macular degeneration, macular, diagnosis mindfulness – My Macular Degeneration Journey/Journal

Forward Through Adversity

As I identified this page with a date, I stopped to reflect on how trying and tragic this year has been for many of us. COVID-19, fires and hurricanes not to mention a crazy political scene and a recession that is looking more and more like an economic depression have all managed to sweep down upon us in less than a year, 365 short days. It is no wonder people are getting ready to hang it up!

Added to all the chaos in the common world, the great majority of people reading this page also have a more personal, potential, crazy-making circumstance. Some of us are losing sight due to macular degeneration. How do you keep going forward with all that?

I was told there is interest in learning something about going forward in adversity. People want to know how to keep moving when they have been smacked down. I was told people would be interested in a primer on resilience. OK. Let’s try this.

To me, resilience is a rubber ball. You throw it to the ground, and it bounces higher than it was before. That is, it does that in ideal circumstances. For a rubber ball, the circumstances include things like the material the ball was made with and how much air has been pumped into it. But what is resilience in people and how do we promote it?

The American Psychological Association (APA) in a page aptly called Building Your Resilience (2012) defined resilience as the process of adapting to adversity in all of its form. The APA and I agree: resilience can include not only bouncing back but bouncing higher and with even more force, attaining personal growth in their terms. The APA sees resilience as containing empowerment and growth.

By this time, I can imagine some folks are complaining. Not only does she – and the APA! – expect me to survive this mess, they actually expect me to come out better! OMG. Really?

Nope. Not really. There are no tests in this “course”. However, should you happen to become a better version of yourself sometime during this sh**show that has been 2020, let people know. We need inspiration.

So, back on track, how to foster resilience? The APA does not put this caveat on this list, but I am going to. Like many other things in life, building resilience is easier when you start young. Many of the habits and conditions that have allowed me “bounce” were acquired decades ago. This does not mean, however, they are unattainable at an older age. Keep trying!

Taking these slightly out of the APA’s order, I want to start with what they call fostering wellness. The Romans said it thousands of years ago. A healthy mind almost always dwells in a healthy body. While there are exceptions to every rule, people who are physically fit, eat well, sleep well and avoid mood-altering substances cope better. It is also a good idea to take care of those health problems that you can. While I do not have the reference in front of me, I have seen that the visually impaired elderly who have other disabilities do not do as well as those who do not.

The APA also mentions mindfulness and managing stress. We can do a page on mindfulness. The APA also suggests the management of stress rather than trying to eliminate it. This circles us back to everything in moderation, especially drugs and alcohol. [Lin/Linda here: About mindfulness, in the meantime, I found a whole website about it! It’s ‘mindful. healthy mind, healthy life.’]

Building connections with others is a great way to build resilience. Not only do connections remind you that you are not alone and provide you will sources of assistance, they also give you ways to assist others and get the focus off of yourself.

Finding purpose is a great way of building resilience. With my clients, I like to quote Viktor Frankl who said that when we have ‘a why’ we can survive ‘any how.’ Get to work making lemonade out of your lemons. Is there something good that comes out of your suffering and will give that suffering meaning? Embrace it.

Lastly here, the APA piece promotes a positive attitude including acceptance and hope. The Buddha taught desire is the root of suffering. Wanting what we used to have, what we don’t have and what we will never have just leads to misery. It does not help resilience.

From personal experience and my DBT background, I would like to add one more resilience factor and that is mastery. Knowing you have succeeded before is a positive factor in believing you will succeed again. Do things that make you feel competent.

That’s about it for now. Hopefully you got some ideas that will make it easier for you to bounce through the rest of this mess. Good luck!

Written December 7th, 2020

Next: I used to say ‘coming soon’ but we’re not as active as we used to be here at my macular degeneration journey/journal

Zen Habits

I have been at “loose ends” all day today. Alright, maybe not ALL day but definitely this afternoon. This morning I got a haircut and went grocery shopping. I also went looking for shoes. The puppygirls ate one shoe each from TWO – count them 2! – pairs yesterday, and I was hoping to replace them with similar items. No joy. Nothing looked even vaguely like what I wanted.

I came home and went online. I found one pair that would fit the bill. Sort of. If Amazon does not have it, I don’t think you can get it anywhere. Bless them.

Anyway, trying to figure out why I am so discontent and cranky today. I know I am tired. I did a ten-mile paddle yesterday. That was a bit much. (Being tired is a vulnerability factor for negative emotions; ya know.) I did not get into the study I was interested in. I did not see a single pair of shoes that interested me.

The last two add up to frustration and disappointment. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck; right? There is probably a good chance this mood is the result of frustration and disappointment. And overdoing it yesterday.

Well, I am going to “treat” my fatigue to a little “hair of the dog”. I have a ride to hip-hop, and I am going to exercise more by dancing. That is opposite to emotion in DBT speak. If you don’t like your emotion, change it! I am down and dancing always brings me up.

That should work some on the frustration and disappointment, too. The joy I can feel when I dance is opposite to those emotions as well.

What else can I do? Well, Zen Habits suggest a lot of stuff that sounds like what DBT teaches. Not surprising since DBT has roots in Buddhism.

For one thing, have compassion for myself. Frustration and disappointment are part of the human condition, and I – in spite of what some people may think! – am human. I am just participating in humanity. And if I were another human, would I not give him compassion?

Then there is allowing the feelings to be. They are legitimate. Let them play out to the end. Emotions have short lives and unless I retrigger them, they will be here for a while and die a natural death. Being afraid of emotions and avoiding them only causes more problems.

Zen Habits has more but I want to pick out the mindfulness one next. Truly, how much different am I today than I was yesterday? Or this minute from last minute? My health is still good. I have a purpose. There are kind souls who care and take care of me every day. Not getting into the study or finding a pair of blue sandals did not change that. Right now in this instant, I am fine. I am fine in this instant and this one. Etcetera, etcetera…

The last thing they suggest is being curious about what actually IS coming down the road for me. I ordered shoes online. Maybe they will be real “finds.” The perfect shoes for me. I was promised there are other studies coming. Anyone interested in finding out what they are? Maybe one of them will be exactly what I am looking for. You never know.

Next: Dual Diagnosis

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Focus

It has been known for years that the concept of a dichotomy between the mind and the body is…well, a crock. Therefore it comes as no real surprise they are finding connections between mental health and eye health. In a 2013 European Heart Journal Flammer et al comment upon the close relationship between the heart and the eyes. They point out how highly vascularized eyes actually are and how diseases of the vascular system have a strong effect on eyes.

Since we all pretty much know stress and other mental health problems have a direct effect on the circulatory system, it could almost go unsaid that mental health concerns affect eyes.

Apparently, it has been left to Bernard Sabel and others, publishing in the EMPA Journal, to state this explicitly. To wit: evidence is strong stress and other mental health problems not only exacerbate eye disease, they are very likely causative factors.

So what does that mean for us? Many of us already have irreversible (as of now, but stay tuned the next few years!) damage to our retinas. However, there are some in whom the damage is still slight. Perhaps there can be serious damage prevented in those folks.

I am teaching mindfulness right now in my DBT class. At the risk of repeating myself (repeating myself, repeating myself….), I want to point out yet again the benefits of a mindfulness/ meditative practice. There is objective evidence meditative practices can actually reshape the brain. [Lin/Linda: since Sue has written several pages on mindfulness and meditation, you can search for those words to read her past pages.]

The Dalai Lama has actively recruited Tibetan monks to participate in neuroimaging studies. They (they being Davidson and Lutz at the University of Wisconsin, Madison) have discovered both focused attention and Open Monitoring meditation have real impacts on the activities of the brain. This includes the amygdala, the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ center, of the brain involved in stress reactions and fear.

Not a Tibetan Buddhist monk? Not a problem. While those guys are much more accomplished than the vast majority of the rest of us, they do not have exclusive rights to focused attention or Open Monitoring meditation. People all over the world of every race and creed can and do practice.

Focused attention sounds simple but needs a lot of practice. It is ‘just’ putting your mind to one thing and one thing only. Light a candle and watch the flame. When your attention wanders, refocus. Refocus. Refocus. Do it as many times as needed. Minds naturally jump around. Don’t be discouraged.

Open Monitoring is pure awareness. There is no focus, no judgment, no attachment. Things flow in and they flow out. The ultimate goal is to stay in the monitoring state, aware of all equally.

This is obviously an advanced form of meditation. Still, even us mere mortal types can glimpse it. Have you ever walked outside into nature early on a still, summer morning? Did you sort of get immersed in the morning? To me, that approximates an Open Monitoring experience.

So, there we have it. Stress reduction? Focus. One thing in the moment. Don’t judge. Don’t covet. Practice gratitude. Pray. When it is put that way, it really is sort of basic.

Written June 22nd, 2018

Next: Stories to Tell

HOme

This Journey Together

I have had a few days of frustrating myself. I have not been ‘all there’ in Zumba or yoga. Not sure if it is the stress of puppy parenthood, the change of seasons, my bum arm, or the fact that I am 64. Probably a combination. Whatever the cause, I have not been up to par.

Then, I have noticed lapses in visual attention. Details are getting by me. Of course, we all know what that is. Whether I know the reason or not, it is irritating. I am frustrated with myself. I should know better. I should do better. I should do more.

Since I am back to teaching emotional regulation in DBT, I have been back to doing a little research. (I don’t like to do the same presentation every time since several of our students are ‘repeat customers’.) It appears DBT and a little thing called self-compassion therapy have some overlaps.

Self-compassion, or lack thereof, has to do with how people respond to themselves during a struggle or challenging time. According to Wikipedia, my ever reliable (I hope) source, self-compassion is positively correlated with life satisfaction, wisdom and emotional resilience among other things. Self-compassion has been found to be negatively correlated with rumination while rumination has been found to be positively correlated with anxiety, depression and eating disorders. (Aldao et al, 2010). In other words, cutting yourself a break means you won’t be as depressed, anxious or have as many really maladaptive eating habits.

Neff, a big name in self-compassion, postulated there are three parts to be considered. These are as follows: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness (of course!). Looking at the explanations in Wikipedia, I discovered self-compassion involves observing the situation in a non-judgmental way and accepting it is what it is. Observe, accept, non-judgmentally. Hmmmm….where have I heard that before? ?

It appears rather than be frustrated and criticize myself, I might accept as my body and eyesight deteriorate I am not going to be able to do what I once could. Rather than berate myself I might commiserate, encourage and be a friend to myself. If you had a friend who gets on your case as much as you get on your own case, would you keep her around? Doubt it.

Common humanity goes back to a guy name Siddhartha Gautama. Also known as the Buddha, the enlightened one. The Buddha declared that life is pain. This is the common condition of man. In other words, you are not alone. If misery loves company, you have a lot of it!

Of course, the Buddha also said pain becomes suffering only when we wish to escape it (very loose interpretation there). That takes us back to observe and accept. (See the Four Noble Truths if you want to understand it more thoroughly.)

Mindfulness! I get a little crazy with all the hype and would get crazier if it did not work so well. Mindfulness is derived from Vipassana, which means to see things as they truly are. It is a nonjudgmental observation of what is. Seeing what is truly there, suggests acceptance, warts and all.

So we have come full circle again. Self compassion: slightly different packaging of some wonderful, tried and true ideas. What it boils down to is this: see yourself for what you are, accept yourself, be your own best friend and remember, we are on this journey together.

Namaste (just felt the need to add that!)

written December 10th, 2017 Continue reading “This Journey Together”

Practice What I Preach

At present I am waiting for the van….again. These pages seem to turn into one big tirade about the truly crap public transportation we have in this rural region.

I got up to get a 6:54 am van to work (having told them I need to be there at 8:30) and I just got the call it would be another 45 minutes until they arrive. Really?!?!? This is on top of being told they could not bring me home Saturday because my seminar is in another zip code, 5 miles away.

I am angry. I am frustrated and I am resentful. Resentment is defined as bitter indignation. It implies unfair treatment.

From the complaints I have heard from the other people who ride the vans, I suspect I am not being discriminated against. Everyone is getting the same lousy treatment. Just the same, it is not fair!!!!!

Yes, I know fairness is an illusion. I know resentment is, as published in Psychology Today way back in 1995, futile and destructive. I am aware my resentment is most likely disproportionate to the damage that has been done.  I am still pissed!

Psychology Today goes on to talk about how resentment is based on internal need rather than external circumstances. If I did not believe I DESERVED better treatment, would I be as resentful? I would say not. I am arrogant enough to believe good things should come to me almost all of the time. Having those ‘shoulds’ in my head sets me up to see things as unfair.

Resentment gives us a target for our frustrations. “This damn transportation company is to blame for my life not being easy! I could do so much more if I only had decent support!” Resentment allows us to forget that while things are caused, sometimes we are not staring at the cause face to face. Things could have been set in motion a long time ago. Your ‘injustice’ may be just another domino ,’victim’ not the agent that set things in motion. Easier to assign blame to what you can see.

So, recognizing that venting my spleen (who said THAT, anyway? Shakespeare?) at the van people may not be productive, I went online and found a couple of articles. PsychCentral.com pushed the empathy angle. Remember “walk a mile in his shoes”? It helps to look at the other party’s viewpoint, their situation. Are they doing the best they can under the circumstances? Psychology Today suggested something’s that sound, well, rather DBT-ish. They suggest you observe your resentment and sit with it for a while. They also suggest relaxation and self-care.

DBT as one-step shopping?

If I actually try to practice what I teach, I would have to admit rehashing all of the nonsense with my transportation situation is not being mindful in the present. The only thing I can deal with is the now. I should also practice some gratitude. Do I have a lot of freedom because the system exists? Yep. May not be exactly the way I want it to work, but it works…sort of.

So, in consideration, perhaps I should be a bit more tolerant. Deep breath…I feel better now. Thanks for listening!

written 9/22/2017

Continue reading “Practice What I Preach”

Putzing Around

The totally unforeseen, seldom happens occurrence happened today. I ran out of work. Weird. Something like that hardly ever happens. I NEVER get caught up but today I did. Incredible.

I did the school work I had to do. Nobody had anything else for me so I did the outside work I had in my bag (shhh, don’t tell!) and when I got that done, I just sort of sat there, dazed and amazed.

Nothing demanded my attention. There were no deadlines staring me in the face. It was a little scary.

Now, I know people who can putz around all day but one of them is not me. Putz? For those of you for whom American English is not a first language (or for whom British or Canadian or Aussie English is not a first language either, for that matter), I am back to sprinkling my speech with Yiddish again. Never realized how often I did that until I started thinking about ESL readers.

Anyway, putz as a verb means “to engage in nonproductive or inconsequential activity”. It also means something as a noun but we don’t need to go there.

To repeat, I know people who can putz around all day but one of them I am not. I am more your type A type. Goal-oriented to the core. Therefore when I don’t have an assignment, and realize a time will come when I won’t have any more assignments, I get a little scared.

The Huffington Post had an article on being mindful. The title was Why Doing Nothing is the Key to Happiness. I found it while I was having my existential crisis and had nothing to do. ( When all else fails, write a page! ?) The author suggested being might just be enough. Noticing may just be enough. We just have to be mindful of what is in front of us.

Then he said noticing requires a stillness of the mind. Aha! A goal! I can work on being still. But the problem with that is you cannot ‘catch’ stillness by running after it.

Probably need to work some more on the mindfulness thing. I tend to try too hard.

Thoreau is quoted in The Art of Doing Nothing. The concept he was espousing was not to let ourselves constantly be slaves to routines, shoulds and musts but to let our ‘instincts’ guide us. Thoreau would set out with no particular destination in mind and just see where the road led.

That might be a thought. No specific goal other than discovery. No timeline. No schedule. Exploration.

Of course, every time my husband has tried that on vacation I have gone insane with frustration. There were things I wanted to see!

All of which makes me think I am going to have a very ‘interesting’ time of it when the eyes force me to retire. Anybody know of a good how to book on putzing around? I think I am going to need it.

April 4th, 2017

Continue reading “Putzing Around”

Stop & Smell the Roses

Hello again. I am facing a transportation crisis. My ride to the Y on Saturdays is taking six months to train as a yoga instructor. Six months of Saturdays she won’t be going where I am going. Sigh.

I do not begrudge her her dream. She will make a great instructor. Just a minor inconvenience but I have started to assess my resources. I have started to network and reach out. You don’t know if you don’t ask. What can they do? Say no? Big whoop.

I was asking about posting a sign or something, asking the girl at the desk. A woman I had never seen before joined the conversation. She comes past my house on the way to the Y. She had just started Zumba and exercise in general. Being responsible for me would get her to class. She was going away for a few weeks but she might be able to give me a ride when she got back. I could live with that.

Moral of the story? a) You don’t know if you don’t ask. b) There are a lot of good people out there. c) God works in mysterious ways. d) All of the above.

Moving right along. This morning yoga class started with the reading of a commentary on a stunt the Washington Post pulled in 2007. The Post put Josh Bell, a violin virtuoso playing one of the finest violins in existence (crafted in 1713 by, of course, Stradivarius), in a subway station and asked him to play Mozart. This is a man who packs concert halls around the world. His violin is priceless.

The statistics from this little adventure were as follows: 1,097 people passed by. 7 stopped for more than one minute. Bell made $32 and change.

The commentary and articles I found alluded to Matthew 7:6, “do not throw pearls before swine”. I would prefer to think that is not an accurate application of the Scripture. I do not believe we are all so brutish the finer things are wasted on us. I would prefer to think many people, as I often am, are just too taken up with day-to-day life to even notice the extraordinary let alone stop and take it in.

While no one enjoys sensory loss, having low vision may actually give some of us time to stop and listen to the Josh Bells of the world. We might now have fewer responsibilities and more time to be mindful, more time to be in the here and now.

How many extraordinary things do we ignore because we are ruminating over something that happened yesterday or that we are worried about happening tomorrow? My father would call it stopping to smell the roses and he always told me I needed to do more of it.

I cannot honestly say I am mindful of the extraordinary. I would like to think that should I find a Stradivarius being played in a subway, I would kneel down in awe and reverence. However, I am realistic to know that is a bit far fetched. I would probably be one of those thousand plus people running for my train. Not exactly proud of that.

How about you? Continue reading “Stop & Smell the Roses”

Stop Smoking Now!

This might be turning into the bad habit series for these pages. After doing the page on high BMIs and increase AMD risk, I looked up ‘hot topics + AMD’ and found smoking listed as numero uno. OK. Smoking it is.

I don’t smoke. Never did. It smells and is ridiculously expensive. Worse yet, it is bad for your health. And when I say health, I am including eye health.

BrightFocus Foundation in Smoking and Age-Related Macular Degeneration says smoking brings oxidants into the body. Chemicals can also damage cells. This activates the immune system which can further damage your eyes. These are ways cigarette smoke can increase your risk of AMD. I am sure you have heard cigarette smoking is the largest, modifiable risk factor for AMD. Those are the reasons why it is such a risk.

At least 4 of the Marlboro men died of lung cancer

The problem is it is hard to quit smoking! You have been doing it for years. Many of you remember the coolest commercials on TV were cigarette ads. Remember the Marlboro man? How about Joe Camel? And ladies, how can we forget those long, sleek, sophisticated women who sold us Virginia Slims. Could Joe Camel have steered us wrong all those years ago? Let’s just say Madison Avenue certainly did a number on us!

Anyway, no one ever showed us the Marlboro man using a white cane and hacking a lung out, so we believed the ads. Lots of us smoked and became addicted.

If you have AMD or live with someone who has AMD, you have been told to stop smoking. Quit.com has a whole list of suggestions on how to do this. They are reasonably good. For example, one of them even goes back to one of my favorite psychological theorists, Viktor Frankl, when it says know your reasons for quitting. Remember Frankl said if we have a why, we can endure any how? (“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”) Great philosophy turns up in the damnedest places.

I would add a few more from my DBT distress tolerance toolbox. Stop being sorry for yourself. Be mindful and practice gratitude. Be willing, not willful.

You are totally right. Life is not fair and now they really are trying to take away your one bad habit. It is for your own good. Stop dwelling on what “they” are taking away and think about all you have. Get involved. Substitute some fun activities for smoking, or better yet, do for someone else. Turn your mind. Continue reading “Stop Smoking Now!”

Patience, Not My Virtue

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Azimov

Do you know those people who decide the ‘truth’ of a situation is what is convenient for them? Then they decide to operate on the basis of that ‘knowledge’ even though you have told them half a dozen times they are wrong? And THEN they are peeved because things did not turn out the way they thought they should? That was my day yesterday. The person who took me on my errands thought the world was going to operate his way and I knew that was not the case. It drove me CRAZY.

When I was fully sighted I did not have to worry about putting up with other people’s foibles as much as I do now. I would take myself and just know damn well what the rules were. (I check ahead of time.)

Now it is often all I can do not to be critical or say “I told you so!” when things go amiss. Let me tell you, patience is a virtue I somehow think I lack!

I touched on patience before, talking about waiting for the clinical trials to get going, but that is a little different. I can curse them out at the top of my lungs but they are over 100 miles away. it is not wise to curse your driver out when you are 25 miles from home!

I found a couple of articles on how to be patient on the web. Jane Bolton writing for Psychology Today (9/2/11) suggested we be kind to ourselves and understand it is normal to want our own way. We want things done right (read ‘my way’) because in the not so distant past, wrong decisions on even simple things could mean death. She also suggested we suck it up and understand we can tolerate more discomfort than we thought. Bolton said we can use ‘pain’ to find other solutions and to help us understand ourselves. For example, why is this action driving me so crazy???? Finally she suggested we stop the self talk about how intolerable it all is and what an idiot the person doing things ‘wrong’ is. No sense adding fuel to the fire.

Z. Hereford writing for Essential Life Skills suggested we slow down and, essentially, smell the roses. She made some suggestions that sounded very much like mindfulness skills. They sounded very similar to ‘moment to pause’ and ‘being in the moment’. Those are mentioned on other pages.

So, here I am, 24 or so hours later, and I – barely ::grin:: – survived, but survive I did. I will probably be driven crazy again but hopefully I will be able to tolerate it some better. I am, like you, a work in progress. Continue reading “Patience, Not My Virtue”

Grandma’s Reindeer

This time next week I am supposed to be on a plane to Reykjavik. First thing I want you to notice is in the last week I have learned how to spell Reykjavik correctly. The second thing I want you to note is in real-time it is the end of August and Iceland just had two reasonably substantial earthquakes ….and they expect a volcanic eruption in the near future.

My husband thinks this is utterly cool. He would like a front seat to an apocalypse. I would like to see an eruption as long as nothing gets hurt. You know, like in a movie: no animals were killed or injured in the making of this extravaganza.

With my luck, I will be in the way when the caribou decide to make a mad dash for it. You know the song about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer? Yep. That would be me.

Besides thinking about living a bad Christmas song, I have been thinking about everything that has to be done before I leave. I have work to finish at two places of employment. I need to go to the pharmacy and the bank. The list of things I want to see in Iceland is only half done. Packing has hardly been given a thought, etc, etc.

It is enough to make a girl crawl into a fetal position in the corner and hyperventilate….which reminded me. I told you I had had panic attacks when this mess first started but we never really talked about the ‘delightful’ things. According to the Mayo Clinic a panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions. They happen in the absence of any obvious danger and often come “out of the blue”. There is no good theory for why some people have panic attacks and others don’t. There are theories about genetics and temperament. Major life changes, stress or trauma can put you at risk for panic attacks.

I never had one until I started to lose my vision. Then I had a time I was having four or five a day. Symptoms included a lot of autonomic nervous system stuff like rapid heart rate and hyperventilating not to mention the feeling of impending doom and fear. Like I said, ‘delightful’.

I treated mine with good drugs. If you are having panic attacks, run, don’t walk to your doctor for anxiety medication. Many of you won’t need to be on the medication for the rest of your lives and, if you do, so what? It is better than waking up screaming three and four times a night like I was.

Other treatments? Psychotherapy is helpful. The emotional regulation component of DBT, including all aspects of physical regulation, is useful. Remember to stay active and try to get enough sleep. The ubiquitous mindfulness meditation is also beneficial.

And speaking of sleep, it is time for me to toddle off to bed. I got a lot done today and have a lot to do. Still, all things in moderation. If I pace myself, I can get it done.

Oh, and the volcanic eruption and the reindeer and all that? No sense worrying about the future. It distracts you from the now. The volcano will erupt if it chooses, but if it doesn’t? My husband will be really disappointed.

written 8/31/2016

Continue reading “Grandma’s Reindeer”

Waiting for the Go

I got that question again: when are you going for the clinical trial? When I said maybe January, I got the same response. You know the one: “But you must be losing vision all of the time!” Probably. Not very fast, but probably. Not sure I needed to be reminded, but thanks for caring.

Time is moving along rapidly actually. I am now 63 years and 5 days old!? Fast week this. I have noticed the birds are moving in flocks and it is getting dark earlier. My summer is starting to fade. I MUST be getting closer to when this accursed study is going to launch.

But then the next thought is right back to how many RPEs do I lose everyday? What is the other countdown here? Do I want that countdown to go so fast?

I am doing my distraction activities. I worked seven hours today. Pretty much the same number of hours every other day this week. I went to exercise classes three evenings and swam tonight. I am busy!

Kate Sweeney, featured in a Times magazine article on waiting said that distractions did not work in her study but it sounded like her subjects were actively pushing away worry with their distractions. You cannot not think about something by telling yourself to not think about it!

Sort of like: “don’t think about a blue elephant!” Yep, all sorts of thoughts about lovely hued pachyderms out there right about now.?

My distracting involves doing things to do those things. It probably works better. I try not to say things like “I’ll swim so I don’t think about my eyes.” I just go swimming.

Sweeney did not find high self-esteem to be a bit helpful. (I could have told her that!) However, optimism was a help as was being comfortable with uncertainty. She also found that anticipating failure did not help with waiting but helped with dealing with the final outcome.

I guess if you are screaming “failure is not an option!” It is a little hard to get yourself together after you do fail.

A lot of worry and anxiety was also found to make dealing with results easier. The worrywarts started back on task faster if they lost and were more relieved if they won. It is nice to know anxiety about this sort of thing has some benefits.

Sawyer’s article came back around to endorsing what appears to be the panacea these days: mindfulness meditation! Nice to know we are on the right track but it would have been nice to discover some sort of new revelation here!!!

So I wait. My vision loss and medical science are in a foot race. The outcome is uncertain but I remain optimistic. Now I guess I walk the dog.

[If you’re wondering about the title, it’s a ‘play’ on the title of a play by Samuel Beckett “Waiting for Godot”.]

written 7/22/2016

Continue reading “Waiting for the Go”

Cookies!

Recently we posted a page about everything I want and how I might connive to get some of it using the strategies of DBT interpersonal effectiveness.  And yes, I know, these skills are not supposed to be manipulative or conniving. Remember the old saying, though: “figures don’t lie but liars figure.” These skills don’t connive but connivers like me have been known to take advantage of a skill or two.

I promise I don’t use them maliciously. Conniving, yes. Really evil, no.

cookiemonsterOne of our readers, possibly playing off the word ‘want’, referred us to a YouTube video starring Cookie Monster. Apparently Cookie Monster is getting on the mindfulness bandwagon and trying to get kids to use the skills. It appears Cookie Monster’s halo is a bit straighter than mine. He is not using the skills to get what he wants. He is using them for delaying gratification (“cookie now! No, cookie later”) and urge surfing.

Now we have all heard about delayed gratification. In delayed gratification we resist our impulses to seize an immediate reward so that we might have a reward – sometimes better and free of punishments – later. Mindfulness skills can be used to surf over the urge for immediate gratification so that we have a chance to get the better stuff later.

Urge surfing, you ask? Any surfer dudes or dudettes out there? As surfers, you know the waves come in, well, waves! They have highs and they have lows. There is no such thing as an endless wave.

In the interest of my upcoming simile, we are going to ignore the option of diving under a wave and say there are two ways of dealing with a wave. You can stand there and get the stuffing knocked out of you or you can get on top of it and ride.

Urge surfing offers a way to ride the waves of your impulses. Rather than give in to the power of an urge you stay on top and end up in the trough behind it. Maybe even eventually on the beach away from the urges all together.

Portland Psychotherapy also says urges, like waves, don’t last forever. They dissipate after about a half an hour. The idea is to use your breath as your surfboard and ride. Use your observe skills to get a little distance from the urge. Adopting what they call an open and curious attitude (aka open monitoring) and observing all of what is happening in your body and head will allow the urge to pass.

Remember being open and nonjudgmental is essential. That which we resist, persists.

If I were Cookie Monster, I would be saying something like the following: “I am thinking about cookies. My hand wants to reach for that cookie. My tummy is grumbling. I have a thought my tummy is calling that cookie.”

So why even mention this technique in a website on AMD? Well, Cookie Monster is cute. I am proud he is learning to control his impulses. Also, a lot of us have time on our hands and to use another old chestnut, “idle hands do the devil’s work”. That may mean too many cigarettes or too many beers or too many cookies! AMD is enough of a problem without the complications of those habits. Better to get out your boards and hang ten with the Cookie Monster dude.
Continue reading “Cookies!”

In the Moment

I just read a comment that said the writer hoped I would address “staying in the moment”. What does staying in the moment mean? It is actually a pretty self-explanatory phrase. It means not living in the past or the future. It means living in the now. We are talking about being present in the present.

To quote: “living in the moment is a state of active, open intentional attention to the present.” Not sure whom I am quoting. It came up on a google search with no reference but I liked it. If it is yours, nice job!

What I liked about it were the words active and intentional. These days, the age of distraction, it takes both action and intention to stay focused on what is happening now.

Do a little experiment. Just for fun, keep a tally of how many times a day you live in the past. Tally up both good memories and regrets. Then keep a tally of how often you think about the future. Plans, yes, but the big one you should concentrate on is worry. How many times a day do you worry? Ouch? I thought that might be the case.

Now just for fun try to be present in your environment. Really notice. In DBT speak this is called observe. When you observe you are not supposed to judge but for the exercise, tally up the good things you have in the present. They can be small. For example, right now for me it is dusk. The birds are calling and the insects have started to make their night noises. Good things I like to hear. They would get a tally.

Now the big question: would you have noticed these things if you had not been challenged to do this exercise? My guess is no. What would you have thought about instead? Worries?

People sometimes ask how I can be so happy knowing I will someday go blind. I tell them I try not to think about it. Active and intentional attention to what is happening now is something I try to cultivate. Right now there is still much I can see. Why ignore the beauty of my world worrying about someday not seeing it? If I do that, I have made myself blind. The disease may do it in the future but I would be doing it to myself now in the present.

Yesterday is but a dream. Tomorrow is only a vision. But today well-lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. – Kalidasa

Go live today….mindfully, actively, intentionally. Continue reading “In the Moment”

Teflon Mind

Good afternoon!  It is finally what I consider to be a ‘good’ summer temperature here….about 90 F. I was motivated to move my ‘office’ – CCTV and tablet – out onto the deck. Practical note here: iPads overheat when you are sitting in the sun and listening to a BARD book. Also, direct sunlight on what you are trying to see on the CCTV washes out the image. Don’t bother to try it. I ended up moving into the shade. Black with white lettering did work on the CCTV but I found it a bit odd. You might like it though. In that case, do try it!

Tomorrow I am getting up early to catch a ride to my third place of employment. Probably home late. Same setup the next day so I have to finalize my DBT lesson plan today.

My topic: the what and how skills of mindfulness. We will be going over this stuff for several weeks so I decided to go a bit more in-depth on ‘Teflon mind’.

Teflon has been around for so long I suspect you all know what it is. It is the nonstick stuff on pans. The stuff that created a market for plastic spatulas.

The idea of Teflon mind is to make your mind nonstick for all the negative nonsense you may encounter.

Ignoring the negative is hard. In fact, it is unnatural! It is through not ignoring the negative that we got to be so successful as a species. The protohuman who insulted you today may be the protohuman who hits you with a stone ax tomorrow! Our ancestors learned to look out for that sort of thing.

Being attentive to the negative now can be crucial but not always and not necessarily life or death. Someone from Papua, New Guinea, may say I wrote a really stupid page and he wants to smack me, but since I am very far away from Papua, I should not take it to heart.

But I often do. Many of us often do. We are upset and wounded and want to defend ourselves. We may even decide to launch our own offensive.  “Oh, yeah?  Well, my country is bigger than your country. So there!”  Not very helpful.

DBT suggests we be mindful of our feelings. It suggests we take a moment to pause (very important in DBT) and just observe what we are experiencing, both in the environment and in our minds. As we observe what is going on both outside and in our thoughts we allow there to be a disconnect between thoughts and automatic emotions and behaviors.

Grandma knew about this. She told you to count to 10 and take a deep breath before reacting.

Taking a moment to pause also gives you some understanding about the nature of intense emotion. Specifically, emotions are pretty much like waves. They come and they go. Intense emotion can be created and recreated making it look like it is sustainable, but it is not. Emotions wash over you and are gone. Why react to something you are no longer feeling?

The other thing about taking a moment to pause and not react? It shows you how strong you are! You can take it!

Facing up to something upsetting takes its power away. In psychology it is called extinction. What you are really doing is lessening the connection between neurons. The adage is “neurons that fire together wire together”. If you keep the second one from firing this time you reduce the chance it will fire the next time….leading to a Teflon mind.

So there it is.  Teflon mind. Moment to pause. two skills used together to reduce reactivity to some of the nonsense in the world.

Continue reading “Teflon Mind”

Today, I Wear Heels

This morning I am taking what has become, in my eyes, a huge risk. I put on summer sandals with a  – gasp – high heel.

I am going to take transit into the office. Early, of course. While they have been very good – fingers crossed, toes crossed – I am always sure to schedule an early ride. While at the office I will put on my dog and pony show for my BVS case manager and his boss. I have a ride home. Short day. We were supposed to be on vacation this week.

I had given up wearing high heels. Scheduling my days I have been aware of the possibility I may have to hoof it. Often I plan a walking section on the great transportation relays that have become my life. Walking a mile or so requires sensible shoes.

I am not really a sensible shoes person. I have piles of boxes of shoes I purchased for one reason and one reason alone. They are cute! Unfortunately cute is not necessarily a synonym for practical or comfortable.

I have thought about wearing sensible shoes and packing fashion footwear in my crate. That would just succeed in adding more stuff to Sue’s Traveling Circus. I really do not want to do that. The amount of stuff I carry now is a bit much. No sense adding to the load.

There might be other options. I might be able to leave shoes at school and/or in the office. Of course that would mean being sure to only wear outfits that match said footwear. More planning. I just cannot seem to get away from it!

More keeping track of stuff, too. I already lost my glare glasses once. What was that? Five days from delivery to crazed hunt through the house. Found them at the office right where I left them.

Not very mindful of me. I should put things down with awareness and intent. Maybe then I would remember where things are. Not doing so well on that. Probably should not add to the memory/ attention overload.

So today I get to wear not-so-sensible shoes. No scheduled hikes so I am taking advantage. Might not happen again for awhile but that is OK. I have already said we should be unmindful of good things coming to an end or not being the norm. Dwelling on how often I don’t get to wear stylish shoes will only rob me of pleasure right now.

Today, I wear heels.

Continue reading “Today, I Wear Heels”

Crazed Puppy

Back to looking at my mindfulness lesson. I found the slides on the ‘wild horses’. Frankly I dislike that analogy. To me wild horses are, well, wild as in free. The concept of controlling your mind as if it were a herd of wild horses is just plain wrong in my not always so humble opinion. It is my mind, free and independent, as well as often scattered. No bronco bustin’ required.

If you like dogs and like to giggle, there is a website called Dogshame. Some people think it is cruel. I am not sure I see that but I know it can be funny.

“I thought you were never ever ever coming home so I panicked!”

Be that as it may, I got what I consider to be the perfect photo to illustrate the concept of mind training off of Dogshame. It is a photo of a fluffy, small, white dog in the middle of chaos. The caption? “I thought you were never, ever, ever coming home so I panicked”.

That, to me, is the perfect representation of a mind in need of mindfulness training. The mind is not a wild horse to be broken through mindfulness. It is a scared and crazed puppy who needs to be soothed and regulated.

And how do kind masters (and we all need to be kind masters to our own minds as well as to our animals) train a pup? Catch the transgression at the start. Calmly lead him to where he should be. Praise. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. As it has been said, Rome was not built in a day. Patience is a virtue I somehow think I lack but patience is necessary when training a mind.

Mindfulness practice? It’s akin to housebreaking. Keep kindly and patiently working on it and you will get there.

Continue reading “Crazed Puppy”

Whirling Dervishes and Others

I was working on my next lesson. We have done the two, introductory lessons and we are getting ready for mindfulness, lesson one.

I throw a lot of extra ‘stuff’ into a lesson. I was looking at information related to the origins of mindfulness and mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation has a rich and ancient history rooted in the religions of the world. There are mindfulness mantras in many religions.

A mantra is a repetitive song. “Om Shanti Om” is the peace chant of Buddhism (but if you want something really wild, click here for the “Om Shanti O” song on YouTube. Holy Bollywood, Batman!). [Lin/Linda here: the video is indeed a Bollywood version. I recommend this version by Deva Premal. Best to listen to it with headphones, she has a very incredible lyrical voice.]

Gregorian chants can be seen as Christian mantras. Click here for one video. There are many others.

You use your voice and a repetitive song as the focus for your attention. Sound meditation as prayer.

For Whirling Dervishes, part of the Sufi tradition, the focus of attention is on the repetitive spinning….and on Allah. Movement meditation as prayer.

In short,  it dawned upon me mindfulness practice – including repetitive, rhythmic stimuli – and prayer seem pretty closely linked. Mindfulness can focus attention necessary for prayer, for example. Prayer can be used as a point to focus attention. Repetitive stimuli can calm lower brain centers  which in turn allows you to be more mindful and pray. Hmmmmm…how about that?

DBT lists prayer as a distress tolerance skill. It is a way to get through a crisis with as little suffering as possible.

Linehan lists three types of prayer. Linehan talks about “why me?” prayer. To me, this sort of prayer sounds pretty whiny. It sounds like plenty of suffering has been attached to the pain. Why? Because the person is fighting reality.

Remember: it is what it is. There really is nothing that can be done to change reality.

DBT suggests we don’t fight reality. The opposite of fighting reality is acceptance. In other words, thy will be done. I accept things are the way they are. Remember acceptance does not mean approval. It just means you are willing to accept and operate within the new rules of the game.

Psalm 40 verse 8 is about accepting and acting in accordance with the will of God for example. Psalm 37.23  is another example. There are probably dozens if not hundreds of other examples in the world’s religious tradition. These may help keep you from the suffering fighting reality brings.

Another thing about acceptance through prayer? If you are a person of faith, there may be a little internal voice that says to you “I’ve got this.”  When you are dealing with something above your capabilities, it is nice to feel you have some ‘expert’ help available.

Linehan also talks about the distress prayer. Her distress prayer is pretty much an extended version of my “Oh, s***! Help!” prayer, with the distress prayer asking for solutions over time.

My “help!!!” prayer is usually uttered in the face of imminent disaster!

I am not a religious scholar by any means but in my lexicon there are two more types of prayer. They are “Wow! Nice job!” and “Thanks”. In other words, they are praise and gratitude prayers.

Praise and gratitude prayers are positive things. They help us recognize we really are not bereft of all good things. In the cases of many of us reading this, AMD may have taken many things away but many wonderful things and many things we can be grateful for still remain. Sometimes we just need a reason to notice them.

List good things for a gratitude prayer.  Close to the idea of accumulating positives; yes? Yes!

So repetitive, rhythmic stimuli/ movement, mindfulness, acceptance,
praise, gratitude, accumulating positives… they all seem to come together in prayer. Cool.

Continue reading “Whirling Dervishes and Others”

Rock Your Cares Away

Just looking ahead in my mindfulness notes and I came upon something I had half forgotten about. Rocking! Huh?

I suspect many of you are parents or have cared for a fussy child sometime in your lives. What is the first thing most people do when they pick up a crying infant? They rock, of course. It is almost instinctual to do so.

When big people are in a state of panic, the ‘new’ reasoning brain shuts down and the ‘old’ emotional and reactive brain takes over.

This old emotional brain does not calm well through words or reasoning but it does calm well with rhythmic activity.

The rhythmic activity can be walking, dancing or even just swaying back and forth. It can also be regular, deep breathing or something called a butterfly hug.

What is a butterfly hug? It is a self-soothing technique. You link your thumbs and put your hands on your upper chest. Then you rhythmically tap your shoulders, or as close to your shoulders as you can get.

Something else you can do for stress, when your old brain is working overtime, is sit in a rocking chair and rock. Once more grandma had it right and she never knew it, or at least we never gave her credit.

Rocking in a rocking chair has been found to have great physical and emotional benefits. it increases muscle tone. It calms dementia patients so that they require less medication. Rocking speeds recovery from surgery. It is a natural way of regulating the lower brain areas, calming things down and getting them in sync.

And why do I mention rocking when I teach mindfulness? Because it is a soothing, repetitive activity on which to focus your attention. When your mind starts to wander bring it back to the squeak of the chair, the feeling of your calves slowly pushing and releasing, anything soothing and repetitive.

Rocking allows you to activate some of the natural brain pathways that sooth. It gives you something to focus on when you meditate. Like any of the skills I use, it is not a cure-all, but it helps.

Continue reading “Rock Your Cares Away”

Being Square

I am getting ready to teach mindfulness again. In DBT it is often referred to as core mindfulness because it is the basic skill in the program. Sine qua non – without this nothing.

Mindfulness is learning to be in control of your attention process. It involves what you pay attention to and how long you pay attention to it.

When my vision got bad in February I thought of little else but not being able to see. That was my focus. It was hard to take care of myself and calm myself down because I kept coming back to “I can’t see!” I suspect some of you have been there. That thought was not overly helpful and I really had to get away from it.

I was driving myself crazy over a situation I could not change!

Mindfulness is not easy, however. My mind bounces around like a ball in a pinball machine to use an old fashion simile. And this is with ten years of yoga under my belt. I say that because I don’t want anyone to get discouraged because they cannot go into a yogi trance the first or second time they try. Mindfulness is not a trance anyway. Again, it is focus.

So how did I get my mind off my vision? By putting it somewhere else. In the case of this ‘lesson’ (getting ready to teach, ya know) that somewhere else is the breath.

Square breathing
Square breathing: Breathe in 1-2-3-4 Hold your breath 1-2-3-4 Breathe out 1-2-3-4 Hold your breath 1-2-3-4

I already talked about square breathing. Square, or four-part, breathing is a perennial favorite. Make sure your breath is slow and deep. Believe it or not there is actually a ‘right’ way and a ‘wrong’ way to breath. You want to belly breath. This means pulling down the diaphragm and pushing out your abdomen. Short, rapid breathing in your chest is a no no. That makes you more anxious.

As you breath you can try stretching out your exhales. Add a sigh like you might make just as you fall asleep. It doesn’t matter if you really don’t feel that relaxed. It is part of a feedback loop and you really can fake out your body and mind to believe you are much more relaxed than you are.

Other than four-part breathing you can try alternate nostril breathing. Some days I like that better because it has the added attention demand of keeping your fingers going in the right way!

No matter what you do to become mindful, remember mindfulness is HARD. Every time you go off focus kindly, lovingly, patiently and non-judgmentally put yourself back on. Note the stray thoughts. “Stray thought there”. Then let them go.

Lastly, remember to practice daily. A skill has to be well learned if you are going to be able to use it when distressed.

I have a few other topics to cover in the next few pages. However, since I am teaching mindfulness for the next three months I will probably keep coming back to the topic. Hope that is OK. I find it useful and I suspect you might as well. Continue reading “Being Square”

Now What?

Do you ever watch sword fight movies? You know, the main character is fighting a horde of orcs, Imperial Stormtroopers, name your favorite bad guys and he suddenly runs out of bad guys. Usually the good guy looks around concerned. Where is the next one coming from? Then he looks around perplexed and a little deflated. Now what?

In every good sword fight movie there are “now what?” moments. My life is not a movie, sword fight or otherwise, but I seem to have come to one of those moments.

I am getting to my activities and to work. Missions accomplished there. Now what?

It has been two months since I completed the application for public transportation. Still not approved. I called but no immediate response. I wait. I could get all Rambo on them, but the ride situation is in hand and it might be a waste of a good rant.

I have not heard from the mobility person but I have received the invoice. I know he has been approved so I suspect I am waiting on his schedule.

My habilitation worker wants to come week after next. A definite time but it still seems so far away.

And speaking of so far away, I still have not heard a word about the clinical trial research. I looked. It has been nearly six weeks since ‘my’ researcher told me six months. I arbitrarily picked October 1 as THE DATE. Six weeks is ¼ of six months. I am a quarter through this purgatory of waiting. Maybe. They could move it back another six months and I would have no recourse but to wait. Good grief!

So I wait. I remind myself the AMD is an important part of who I am now but it is not the only part. I can use activities to distract. I can use mindfulness to stay in the moment and really participate in my life. (All DBT concepts, by the way).

Waiting – in my case lack of targets, er, I mean goals – is not often seen as distress, but it is. It’s a quiet, niggling kind of distress.

Which begs the question: what happens when all the bad guys I can defeat are vanquished? What happens when there are no other supports or treatment options to pursue?  What happens when it is as good as it is going to get?  Yikes.

The Serenity Prayer is a good one:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Working on it. Working on it. Sigh.

Continue reading “Now What?”

Just Breathe

So if you are mindful, what is your mind full of? That is where the ‘particular way’ comes in. You are full of the present and you are full of compassion for yourself, no judgments.

Mindfulness is good for regrets and worry because they are not in the now. It gets your mind off of things that you cannot now change and off of things that you cannot deal with because they have not yet happened – and may, in fact, never happen! Mindfulness deals strictly with now.

Mindfulness is also very compassionate because it does not judge. Mindfulness does not even judge judgements!

So how does it work? Essentially mindfulness is one of the most difficult simple things you will ever strive to master. Note I said strive to master. Like yoga, this is called mindfulness practice, not mindfulness perfect.

Since we need to stay in the now it usually works better if we have something real and now to concentrate on. I like breath meditation because, unless I am in real trouble, my breath is always there. Also, while brain and body are often really smart, they can be fooled easily. If you control your breath and keep it deep and easy, your brain and body will think everything is good.

Breath meditation can be done with square breathing. In to a slow count of four. Hold for a slow count of four. Out for a slow count of four. Hold for a slow four. Concentrate on the sensations. Feel the air going in your nose. Feel your lungs expand. Listen to your breath.

I can practically guarantee you will not maintain focus on your breath. Your mind will start to wander because – like puppies – that is what minds do.

Criticizing yourself for not being able to focus will do more harm than good. It will just spin your thoughts off to everything else you cannot do right.

Instead just notice you are thinking other thoughts. Acknowledge it nonjudgmentally and put yourself back on track. Sounds simple but it is actually hard and does require practice.

I like to use breath meditation – and no, just because it is called meditation does not mean this is associated with any religion or strange cult – when I wake up at four in the morning. That seems to be the time my mind gremlins like to come out to play. Every worry and plan I have decides it needs attention at 4:00 am. So I breathe. I breathe with purpose and attention. Focus!  In 4, hold 4, out 4, hold 4. What am I going to do about….? Notice. Ignore. Breathe. What if….? Notice. Ignore. Breathe. It usually let’s me get back to sleep instead of spinning off into a sea of issues that either cannot be solved or need not be solved at four in the morning.

That is mindfulness and breath meditation. It anchors me in the present and limits my worrying about the future. It reminds me not to be judgmental. I am human and, by definition, not perfect. It lets me sleep. Good stuff. Continue reading “Just Breathe”

Pay Attention

Mindfulness. In case you have not noticed, mindfulness is a hot topic. I teach it in DBT. It is featured in magazines. They say we all need it. I NEED it. My low vision aids are too expensive to sit down and walk away from!

So what is mindfulness? Dialectic behavior therapy tells us mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way, to just this moment, without judgment. Now you know just about as much as you did a moment ago, huh? Feel that way myself sometimes.

A recent buzz phrase is “ let’s unpack that!”. OK. Let us unpack that and see what it means.

Attention….this topic may go a little long, over several posts, because now I have to define attention and distinguish it from awareness.

The example I use to distinguish attention from awareness, and even from mindlessness or inattention, is this: you are walking to your table in a restaurant and someone has left her purse in the aisle. If you are mindless of it, you fall over it and have no clue what happened. If you are aware of it, you walk around it. If you are attentive to it, you can speak knowledgeably about the style, color and material of the bag. Those are mindlessness, awareness and attention.

We spend a lot of time either mindless or, at most, aware. When you are driving, if you are still driving, you pass all sorts of things that you never really ‘see’. You – hopefully – slide around the kid riding his bike on the berm. Was it a boy or a girl? Was it a red bike or a blue? You don’t know because you were aware but not attentive.

So if that is awareness, what is attention? The definition I was given online was this: notice taken of someone or something. The regarding of someone or something as interesting or important. Please note the interesting or important part. Attention is a special state of mind that focuses upon a limited range of experiences. We see this range of experiences as special and we want to focus our consciousness upon it.

DBT uses the analogy of street lights versus a flashlight. The street light makes us aware of much but the flashlight allows us to focus our attention onto something special.

It is with this focusing of attention that we become mindful. Only problem is, this is easier said than done. I read somewhere the average person has about 6,000 stray thoughts a day. This translates to one stray thought every 11 seconds or so. Makes you tired just thinking about it!

People who do not know how active a mind typically is believe it is possible to enter a state of calm and trance at will. They try a mindfulness exercise for 10 minutes and when they don’t instantly reach a state of Nirvana, they give up. This is not at all how mindfulness works.

My analogy for this problem is simple. Your mind/attention is a puppy. In order to train this puppy you will require a lot of patience. You will put that puppy back on the paper what seems like 100 times a day. You have to keep at it and eventually you will succeed.

What is the mental equivalent of kindly, gently and persistently putting that puppy back on the paper? Let’s save that for the next post. Continue reading “Pay Attention”

How to Win Friends & Influence People the DBT Way

In a recent post, I talked about using skills to get what we want and need without damaging our relationships with others. In DBT speak they are called Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills.

If you are anything like me, you were used to being independent. If no one did it for me, I did it for myself. Now I find myself in the position of asking for favors, asking for help. It is aggravating and depressing; yes? Yes! DBT has skills for getting what you want without alienating people and, just as importantly, saving your self-respect. None of us like to grovel or beg. Too old for that nonsense.

It’s time to learn skills to get us what we want without alienating people.

The acronym is DEARMAN. DBT has a lot of acronyms.

D is for describe. You describe the situation in nonjudgmental terms. Be objective. Good: “I have a visual impairment and I cannot read the menu board.” Not good: “How do you expect anyone to read that board? The print is too tiny!”

Describe the situation in nonjudgmental terms.

E is express feelings or opinions about the situation. Remember not to be judgmental. Good: “I really hate to inconvenience you…” Not good: “This place has no consideration for older people!”

Express feelings or opinions about the situation in nonjudgmental terms.

A is for assert wishes in a clear, concise and assertive manner. Good: “Could you please read today’s specials to me?” Not good: “Read me that damn special right now!”  Remember assertiveness and aggression are not the same things.

Assert wishes in a clear, concise and assertive manner.

R is for reinforce your request, and more importantly, their compliance. Good: “Thank you so much. I really appreciate the help.” Not good: “Well, amazing! You can read.”

Reinforce your request and their compliance.

M is for mindfulness. Stay focused. Don’t get sidetracked. Good: “I would be happy to let you seat me after I know the special.” Not good: “Seat me next to the window. Get me a coffee….WHAT is the special???? I don’t like THAT!”

Stay focused, don’t get sidetracked.

A is for appearing confident. Believe you will get what you are asking for. Convey that you deserve respect. Good: use a strong voice. Not good: Mutter, stammer.

Appear confident.

N is for negotiate. In order to get, you have to be ready to give. Good: “Do you have a comment box at this restaurant? I always like to let management know when I get good service.” Not good: “Do it. It is your job to wait on me!”

Negotiate and remember that in order to get you have to be ready to give.

DBT also promotes persistence. That is calm, goal-directed persistence. It is called the broken record technique. “I would like you to read the special to me…please read the special to me…could you read the special to me….what is the special?”

Be persistent but calm.

I found a quote a while back: “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” -Eric Hoffer. Remember that. Remember it not only when you are frustrated and want to be rude but when someone is rude to you. There are days that this vision loss gets to you big time. There are days you run into seemingly every idiot in the world. Mark Twain said: “Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” Don’t engage with people who are rude or simply trying to get your goat (and exactly where did THAT expression come from?). Not engaging is a show of strength. Engaging gives the idiots power. There are ways of asking for help, getting it and still maintain self-respect. DBT calls them Interpersonal Effectiveness.

Don’t engage with people who are rude, engaging gives the idiots power.

Written March 2016. Reviewed September 2018.

Continue reading “How to Win Friends & Influence People the DBT Way”