The Art of Asking

Today was a sad day at school. The teacher who had been battling cancer for the last two plus years passed away.

I have been teaching DBT long enough now, the DBT-ish thoughts come unbidden. First though is about meaning in pain. Some people wonder how you can have meaning in a life full of pain.

The answer according to Viktor Frankl and others is this: the meaning in a life full of pain can be in the way you endure. Fortitude? Grace? Style? Call it what you will. This woman did it with class.

The other thing I thought about was the comparison skill. The mother of young children diagnosed with terminal cancer? She could have handled this low vision thing with one hand tied behind her back! What am I complaining about? I’m lucky!

And another reason I am lucky? Back to I have people and my people are great. Since my ride home and this woman were friends, she went home early. Before I even knew I was down one ride home, the secretary had called my backup ride for me and I was back in business. Love you guys!

Taking me to what Lin wants me to address: asking for help. She informs me a lot of you folks are not loud, forward pains like I am. I am supposed to talk about how it is done…and not like a loud, forward pain, either.

Remember do as I say, not as I do? We are going to go over asking nicely.?

Lin sent an article by a woman who asks for things for a living. She collects money for charity. I am going to use her Art of Asking as a loose guide.

Know what you want and why you are asking

The author suggests you know what you want and why you are asking. Essentially it should be important to you and other people should be able to see that. Frivolous doesn’t cut it. If it doesn’t matter to you, why bother people?

Ask for things from people who share your interests

I ask for things from people who share my interests. Not only do they ‘get’ I will go nutz if I don’t get to yoga, they are often “going my way”. (Bing Crosby, 1944, and available for free on YouTube!)

Ask directly for what you want and be specific about the expected cost & effort to the person

The author also suggested asking directly for what you want and being specific about the expected cost and effort to the other person. Don’t drag people out of their way and be understanding and flexible about their needs if they take you out of your way. With my ride home from school I have gone to pick out a train set, to the garage and to the chiropractor. Since she needed to go, I went along. She was doing me a favor, not the other way around.

As I said before, my school ride home lives ¾ of a mile away. My backup ride is about 1-¼ miles away. If I know someone lives on the other side of town, I refrain from asking except in an emergency.

Social media can help by asking a small group of people

I am not on social media, but social media has helped in getting my needs met. It has already happened that a usual ride had to back out but ‘advertised’ successfully for a sub. Asking in a small group can get people talking and generating solutions. Sometimes a total stranger will step in to help (just make sure SOMEBODY can vouch for him or her).

Give alternatives

The author suggests giving alternatives. There is more than one way to solve any problem and personally I have found people are more receptive to helping if they see you making the effort too. When I go to my third job, transportation will take me half way. Rather than run someone all the way to pick me up, I make arrangements to get to the halfway point on my own.

Don’t be afraid to get told no

And the most important thing of all? Don’t be afraid to get told no. The author points out not asking guarantees a no. I want to point out graciously accepting a no does not burn bridges or make people feel uncomfortable about being a ‘bad’ person. Most excuses are not excuses at all; they are reasons. Recognizing other people have obligations and needs can only be a positive in the long term.

End of tutorial.

Next: Not Created Equal

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