Knowing and Doing

St. Paul suggested it is good to “suffer fools gladly” (just found out that is where THAT one came from!). If that is a prerequisite for getting into heaven, I’m sunk.

In case you have not picked up on it for yourself, I will tell you I tend to be critical and judgmental and I have no patience for those who should know better.

I waffle between thinking I should mend my ways and thinking I have been this way for nearly 64 years and people just need to take me for what I am. ‘Tis a dilemma.

Anyway, recently people have been taxing my patience and I have been, shall we say, testy. There have been issues of competence and they have been driving me wild.

Competence is a value for me. I don’t like having to deal with people who do not know their jobs. More importantly, I hate not looking like I know what I am doing (even when I don’t!😋)

Since I had my vision loss, I have an underlying uneasiness about becoming incompetent in my job. When will it happen? Will I recognize it when it happens? Will people cover up for me? And if they cover up for me will I leave my profession with a tarnished reputation? I never had these thoughts before but I have them now.

When people irritate me by seemingly (I am trying to be kind here) not knowing what they are doing, I make other people promise to tell me when it is time.

I like to think I won’t have to “pull the plug” for years. I like to think I will continue to be productive in my profession for a very long time. However AMD is a progressive disease and I am at the mercies of my condition. Fast degeneration or slow? Here or there? No one is telling me until it happens. Surprise!

Competence is not only about ‘knowing’. God knows, after 39 years, I really do know a lot and I try to learn more regularly. Competence is also about ‘doing’.

This is the part I worry about. When will I not be able to see well enough to do the job?

So, I have been collecting my group of people who (I hope) will be honest with me. I almost beg them to tell me when the time comes. Don’t let people talk behind my back about how I really need to retire. Don’t let it come to the point it will be a relief to get rid of me.

And in the meantime, I check and double and triple check my work. And I plan. Where to next? I ‘relax’ poorly. There are only so many exercise classes and audiobooks I can handle. I need something productive to do when I can’t “do the voodoo that I do” (sorry, momentary lapse. Did you ever notice how many brain cells are dedicated to old song lyrics?)

The tentative, future plan is counsel, teach, advocate. But that is for later. Right now I can (sort of) see and I get another day to work.

Next: The Stuff of Life

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