Waiting for the Go

I got that question again: when are you going for the clinical trial? When I said maybe January, I got the same response. You know the one: “But you must be losing vision all of the time!” Probably. Not very fast, but probably. Not sure I needed to be reminded, but thanks for caring.

Time is moving along rapidly actually. I am now 63 years and 5 days old!😁 Fast week this. I have noticed the birds are moving in flocks and it is getting dark earlier. My summer is starting to fade. I MUST be getting closer to when this accursed study is going to launch.

But then the next thought is right back to how many RPEs do I lose everyday? What is the other countdown here? Do I want that countdown to go so fast?

I am doing my distraction activities. I worked seven hours today. Pretty much the same number of hours every other day this week. I went to exercise classes three evenings and swam tonight. I am busy!

Kate Sweeney, featured in a Times magazine article on waiting said that distractions did not work in her study but it sounded like her subjects were actively pushing away worry with their distractions. You cannot not think about something by telling yourself to not think about it!

Sort of like: “don’t think about a blue elephant!” Yep, all sorts of thoughts about lovely hued pachyderms out there right about now.🐘

My distracting involves doing things to do those things. It probably works better. I try not to say things like “I’ll swim so I don’t think about my eyes.” I just go swimming.

Sweeney did not find high self-esteem to be a bit helpful. (I could have told her that!) However, optimism was a help as was being comfortable with uncertainty. She also found that anticipating failure did not help with waiting but helped with dealing with the final outcome.

I guess if you are screaming “failure is not an option!” It is a little hard to get yourself together after you do fail.

A lot of worry and anxiety was also found to make dealing with results easier. The worrywarts started back on task faster if they lost and were more relieved if they won. It is nice to know anxiety about this sort of thing has some benefits.

Sawyer’s article came back around to endorsing what appears to be the panacea these days: mindfulness meditation! Nice to know we are on the right track but it would have been nice to discover some sort of new revelation here!!!

So I wait. My vision loss and medical science are in a foot race. The outcome is uncertain but I remain optimistic. Now I guess I walk the dog.

[If you’re wondering about the title, it’s a ‘play’ on the title of a play by Samuel Beckett “Waiting for Godot”.]

written 7/22/2016

Next: Summer of My Discontent

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