Category: Cognitive Therapy

My First 100 Days: Part 2 Denial

February 18th I was in my optometrist’s office. I had the diagnosis from my ophthalmologist but I was looking for another answer. Something simple like needing new glasses would have been nice.

Now, I hate to be predictable, but considering the theory on grief and loss, I was totally predictable. Stage 1: denial. I was not believing my diagnosis and I was especially not believing my prognosis. What do you mean there is nothing that can be done about this?!?! There has to be something! Are you kiddin’ me????!!!!!

Denial, believe it or not, is not a bad thing. It is a coping mechanism. Denial allows you to accept a loss a little bit at a time instead of having it all crash down on you at once.

Denial only becomes bad when it becomes purposeful avoidance or escape.

According to the Grief Healing website, denial and all of the other stages of grief, don’t have a specific time limit. No one is standing there with a stopwatch telling you your time to be in denial is up. “Move on now! Time is up!” Everyone progresses – or not – at his own pace. If it is “or not” however, and your denial actually has you stuck with no forward movement at all, it might be time to see a mental health professional.

The website suggests a lot of acceptance. Facing up to evidence there has been a loss. I looked at the Mayo Clinic site and they say the same thing. Examine what you fear. Jeez, a little hard not to face what you fear when what you fear is a big, blurry hole in the middle of whatever you are looking at!

I am happy to say I probably passed the Mayo Clinic ‘test’ without even studying! Allow yourself to express your fears and emotions. I might have done that a little. (Did you hear me screaming, Australia?). Journal about your emotions? Check! Open up to trusted friends and loved ones (and the cashier in WalMart and the waitress and the random stranger in the street?). Yeah, did that.

There were a few other suggestions from the Mayo Clinic. Think about the possible negative consequences of not taking action (lose my employment, run down someone in the street for examples?), try to identify irrational beliefs about your situation (I will never be able to live a normal life again!) and join a support group. OK. So no support group but 6 out of 7 is passing.

So, denial. It is not just a river in Egypt anymore (d’Nile; get it??) and like d’Nile, denial is good in moderation. Just not too much of a good thing; OK?

Continue reading “My First 100 Days: Part 2 Denial”

My First 100 Days: Part 1 Hopelessness?

Good afternoon! Got my exercise in – Zumba and a dog walk – and expecting a thunderstorm presently. I like storms. It may sound sort of crazy but I like knowing there is a powerful universe out there. I also like knowing Someone out there cares enough to shelter me.

But enough of weird philosophy. I really should not do it. I am a conscientious objector to people stepping too far out of their expertise. I once went to a Ricky Martin concert and he started talking about his vision for the world. No. We don’t ask the Dali Lama to shake his ass and we don’t ask rock stars about philosophy!

OK. Enough, but in a weird way that leads around to something I do want to talk about: hope. Lin wants me to do a retrospective. I am coming up on 100 days post vision loss and it seems appropriate. The thing is I don’t just want to do a chronicle. I do have half an idea. It will probably turn into several pages. (Half an idea turning into several pages? Yes, I can pile it up! ?) Let me try it and see if it flies.

According to my day planner all hell broke loose between January 31 and February 12. That is less than two weeks to go from totally functional, sighted person to hot mess. I was having MAJOR panic attacks. I knew what they were. Part of my brain very dispassionately identified them but my autonomic nervous system was off to the races. The girl was in a bad way.

I have had some people tell me quite candidly they would want to commit suicide if they were going blind. Well, thank you very much! Should I take that as a suggestion?

The thought of suicide never crossed my mind. Not that it is an uncommon thought. Not that it is not understandable. It is just that suicide and hopelessness are closely linked and so far I have not been hopeless.

To lecture a bit here, suicide.org says hopelessness is a feeling that conditions will never change. There is no solution to a problem.  Dying would be better than living. So far I have managed to skirt around that.

Why? To begin with, I had done my homework. You can say what you like about science and technology but, damn, they are doing incredible things. I had met Regillo and read what he and his team are doing. Not to put undue pressure on those folks, but my money is on them!

Being a special education professional, I was already aware of assistive technology. I knew there are people out there whose job it is to help people like us. I contacted them.

I also have had people who believe in me. How can things be hopeless if people I trust are telling me I can do it? They may have been delusional, but I probably owed them a try.

OK. Back to my lectern!

Again, thoughts of suicide happen. They are often a reaction to a feeling of hopelessness. They are not shameful but they are wrong. The old adage says “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. Even if our vision loss is not temporary, even if science does not find a cure in time for us, even if we never have our vision restored, there is still hope for better functioning.

If you are feeling suicidal, get help. Tell a friend or family member.  In the US the number for the national suicide prevention hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In the UK it is +44(0)8457909192. I think. I never understand foreign telephone systems. Our friends in the UK, could you post the number, please?

I guess that is a start. Onward on the retrospective or maybe I should say “forward to the past!” Anyone own a DeLorean? [Have you seen the movie Back to the Future? The DeLorean is a car that is the time machine in the movie.]

Continue reading “My First 100 Days: Part 1 Hopelessness?”

Pet Therapy

Lin has been asking people what topics they would like me to address when there is a lull in the action and I have no idea what to say. The big winner seems to be coping strategies. People want to know how to cope with the stress of AMD.

Remember, this is not an advice column. It is not therapy. I can give you some idea of what I am doing to cope because, after all, this is my journey and journal. Maybe something I am doing will be helpful for you, too.

Right now the beastie baby is waiting to go for her walk. She does not know it but she is a great benefit to me. The American Heart Association and other groups have proven being with animals is a great way to deal with isolation and depression. People who have animals have less of the bad neurotransmitters in their bodies and more of the feel good ones than the people who do not have animals. Pet owners live longer and go to the doctor less than non-pet owners.

I am a dog freak, totally and completely, so I am happy to tell you my side won! Yippee! What? Oh, the dogs versus cats debate. Dogs do more for our well-being than cats. But then what would you expect from an animal that threw its lot in with man 30,000 years ago? Cats are late comers with domestication occurring about 9,000 years ago.

But enough of the fun facts. Dogs get you into some good life habits. The puppy girl gets walked every day short of a typhoon or three feet of snow. And guess who walks her. Her Mommy!

We walk out in fields and wooded areas. Outside! Fantastic for me because – other than my being raised a country girl and simply liking it out there – being in nature is good for me. In addition to the vitamin D I get from sunlight and the clean air I get to breath, nature has some other fantastic benefits. Nature can improve attention and cognitive functioning. Green spaces promote healing. People in hospitals with gardens get better faster. Added to that are the stress and depression relief benefits that being in nature provides for us.

Mom Nature does take care of us kids. I like to visit Mom frequently.

So, those are a few things I do regularly to maintain my health, both physical and mental. They help me cope. Perfect remedies for everything that ails me? Lord, no. To borrow from DBT wisdom again, a little improvement is better than no improvement at all. It is black and white thinking to feel something has to work 100℅ to have value.

I use the strategies I can even if they help just a bit. Hopefully putting them all together will get me nearer to the goal.

Continue reading “Pet Therapy”

Are You Depressed?

I have been stood up so I guess I should use my time wisely…..

In a recent post I  talked about the stages of loss and depression. The most recent Macular Degeneration Partnership (amd.org) bulletin has an article on depression. Seems like a hot topic recently. A lot of people getting depressed with Age-Related Macular Degeneration.

Thinking about it, I realized I had not defined depression. I don’t think the Partnership people did either. Could have missed it, but I don’t think so.

To start, I want to state plainly and simply, depression is not a dirty word. It is not a weakness. It is not something that has to be suffered and denied because ‘real men’ do not have mental illness.

 All right, so I am picking on you guys but the simple fact of the matter is that women are a lot more apt to seek treatment for mental health concerns than men are. You guys might as well own it. You think depression is a weakness and many of you would not be caught dead in a place like this, a counseling center.

So what is depression? We may say we know it if we see it, but maybe we don’t.

The DSM’s full name is Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It’s the book professionals use to classify mental illnesses. We are up to number 5 of these manuals but what I have at my finger tips is my ratty, falling apart, well-loved copy of IV-TR. It’s sort of a revision of the fourth edition. My 5 is at home right now.

No matter which version you are using depression is defined as having some basic characteristics.  There is ‘depressed mood’ which is basically feelings of sadness. In children – and yes, in some men I have noticed  – you may get irritability and anger. OK, OK it can happen in women too, but I have not seen the foul, angry mood in women as often.

The second characteristic is ‘anhedonia’. That is a fancy name for nothing being fun any more. “Want to go fishing, Gramps?” “Nah, it is not that much fun any more. You go without me.”

Third we have ‘physical symptoms’. Changes in eating or sleeping habits can be signs of depression. It does not matter which way. Increases and decreases are both considered to be symptoms.

The same goes for ‘activity level’. Some of us get very lethargic and spend most of the day in bed or just sitting around. Others of us become agitated and always have to be moving. This moving around often does not get much done. Agitation, not goal-directed work.

‘Fatigue’ is a big symptom of depression. Everything is just too much effort.

AMD can lead you to question whether or not you have any value. It may lead you to feeling unworthy and guilty about being dependent upon others for so much. These are symptoms of depression, too.

Depression will really cloud your thinking. Thinking ‘straight’ and being ‘sharp’ become a lot more difficult when you are depressed. Some people chalk this up to senior moments and old age but that may not be it at all.

The last symptom listed in the DSM is ‘thoughts of death and suicide’. Thinking your family and the world would be better off if you were gone is wrong-headed thinking that can be brought about by depression.

If any of these symptoms sound like you or someone you know, it is time to seek help. Get to your doctor. He can help you find help.Medications, counseling and support groups are valuable in fighting depression. Feeling bad is not a requirement of AMD.

Which brings me to one more quick point before I quit. I have had clients tell me their situations are really terrible and it is unrealistic to try to look on the bright side. Hard, cold reality really is hard and cold. Normal people are delusional!

I tell these clients they are exactly right. Studies have proven depressed people often have a better handle on the facts. Their world view is often more realistic….but it is nowhere near as much fun. It also does not help you put one foot in front of the other as easily.

In any case, putting on rose-colored glasses and joining in the delusion is not a bad thing. So, let’s hear it for Pollyanna!

Continue reading “Are You Depressed?”

Rainy Day Musings

Greetings on a miserable, rainy and absolutely dank day in Pennsylvania. This is not the type of day I was planning for today. I was hoping for spring sunshine.

Just thinking about not being able to control the weather made me think of an incident with my now-rather-grown-up (and up and up! See the photos) nephew. One of our adventures was whitewater rafting. Soon after our pushing off, the skies opened up and the weather got miserable. My nephew wanted to turn around and go home and, since this was impossible, he sulked. Later, his mother’s comment was classic. “What did he think? You were going to pull a remote control for the weather out of your ass?”  We can be rather basic around here, but she had a valid point!

Since I do not have a remote control for the weather stuck there or anywhere else, it seems I have to make the best of it. I need to turn my mind in DBT speak and become more accepting. My disapproval does not matter one iota to the weather so I need to get over myself.

I am trying to be open to more experiences. I really am. At work my specialty is assessment. “Have test kit will travel” was always the motto. Now I cannot read the test questions so well and I need a driver to do any traveling.

The private practice I work in is swamped with counseling clients waiting for services. One guess who has been ‘volunteered’ to help out. Counseling has never been my cup of tea but I might come to like it.

Stranger things have happened and I need to be open to travel the avenues available to me. If this means a slight detour from my regular route, so be it.

Oh, and by the way, be careful with those always and never statements. You know, “I would never want to do THAT!” and similar such things. They have a tendency to come back and bite you where you don’t have a weather remote control stored.

Another example: I was all excited when I got the mail today. There were two, little blue boxes from Talking Books. I thought for sure they had sent my Jeffery Deaver novel. Instead I discovered tapes of books with titles I had never heard of by authors I had never heard of. Pooh. I was getting ready to flip the cards and send them back but I paused. Maybe I could at least listen to the first few minutes. One or even both of them might be something I would like. You never know.

As much as I hate to admit it, the world is not going to stop spinning if i don’t like the way things are going. I might as well become a little more flexible.

In the immortal words of Stephen Stills, if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with! Take some of the avenues that are open to you.

Continue reading “Rainy Day Musings”

Decisions, Decisions

Things are starting to look up with work. Last week and this week I am up to four days. With a little extra effort I might be able to get back to a full week.

People have suggested I retire. Fortunately, those people have not been my bosses! I might have to retire whether I wanted to or not if that were the case. We are talking well-meaning people who see retirement as my best option. But is it?

Truth be known I could make more collecting my disability pension and applying for social security. Financially I would probably be better off.

But finances are only one piece of the puzzle.

[Note to our friends around the world-our options for retirement are quite different & difficult for us to understand let alone explain it to others!  When you read the words ‘disability’, ‘pension’, ‘retirement’ and ‘social security’, they are related to a time when one stops working and receives an income from somewhere. Got it?) If you’d like to tell us about the retirement system in your country, please leave a comment.]

Distress tolerance, one of the DBT modules, suggests that when you are in a quandary you should look at pros and cons of your options. What are the pros and cons of my working?

Cons would be I am pulling in mini-money as compared to what I was pulling in and as compared to what I could make retired. I have to spend time going to work when I maybe should be vacationing and seeing things before I am unable to see them. I am running people around hauling my sorry self to work. Those would all go in the con column.

Pros would be things like I promised BVS and a lot of people I was committed to working. They have invested time and money and effort in ME and I owe them an honest effort.

Number 2:  I have yet to tap into my financial reserve. We can live conservatively and still build credit towards a better pension and a better financial nest egg. This is particularly since I buy our health insurance through a group plan at work. [Here’s another topic where our countries different greatly.]

And no, I am not putting off living to guarantee a better financial future in my old age. Did you look at the crazy photo gallery Lin posted?  I have lived well.

Number 3: I am needed. Now maybe they are blowing smoke up my skirt and maybe I have delusions of grandeur, but I think there is a place for me in the work force. I have some skills and I am capable of contributing.

Number 4: I like my job. I really do!

Number 5: Leaving my job would limit my social interactions and I am a social animal. Not seeing people everyday would be deadly.

Number 6: What would I do with myself all day? Write posts about watching the grass grow? You know, that green stuff I cannot see so well.

So, doing a basic pros and cons list sort of confirmed what I have been thinking all along. Keep working. Wait it out. Reassess and do another pros and cons list down the road.

Pros and cons list are a nice way to examine all of the factors. They allow you to make more logical decisions and avoid distress.

Continue reading “Decisions, Decisions”

A REALLY Good Week

I have said before I like a hectic pace. I was thrilled this week because I have had five days at ‘my speed’.

To begin with, I worked four days! My work load is starting to build back up. This is a good thing both emotionally and financially. While we are not hurting, weeks of a pay that is about a third of what I could be making on disability pension and social security is a bit nasty….but that may be the subject of another post: working being less lucrative than retiring.

When do you decide you could live more comfortably by just hanging it up?

Back to my original point, things picked up this week. Not only did I work four days but I also did some social things. My good friend and her husband got me on the river! I paddled for an hour and nothing bad happened. Nah, hah! Told you so. (Sorry but I hate it when people imply I cannot do something.)

Today I went to a street fair. I ate fresh-cut fries and wandered around for a few hours. Wore my telescopic glasses on my head and brought them down to read signs and see merchandise.

I discovered another reason I should not be walking with them. When I have them on, my field of vision starts about five feet in front of me. I nearly stepped on a couple of small children who had stepped in directly in front of me. Apparently wearing them I have a blind spot at my feet and a couple of feet ahead.

But again I digress. Back on topic!

All told a good week. Accumulating more positives! Right?

Now I suspect there are those of you who will start with the “yes but”. Someone will say “yes, but that was only this week. How can you expect it to last? They won’t take you to the river every week! There won’t be another street fair! Don’t be so positive!”

There is a time in DBT when you are to be unmindful. When things are going well DBT tells us to be unmindful of the fact that it cannot last forever. We are supposed to be unmindful of our unworthiness and how we may have to pay something back later. In other words, we are supposed to forget about the “yes but” that run through our heads. We are supposed to enjoy the good times as they occur.

Yes, but this won’t last forever. Yes, but I am not deserving of the favors people do for me. Yes, but if they do me a favor, I will owe them twice as much later. Really?

The only thing that happens with the “yes but” is you ruin the positive experience you are having now. What is the sense in that?

So, yeah, I had a good week. I was productive. I was social. People were good to me. And if it ends or if I am not worthy or someone expects something in return? Who cares? I had a REALLY good week. Continue reading “A REALLY Good Week”

Vision LOSS

We’ve had a comment on a previous page ‘Where All Roads Lead’ and I’d like to talk about it.

“While I’m very happy that you are looking at all of the options, I can’t help pointing out that your idea of what life would be like as a blind person may in fact be very far from the truth. That’s usually the case anyway. Please don’t misunderstand: it’s great that you are looking for options and even more terrific that you are sharing your journey with all of us. But as a rehab counselor and a person who has been blind from birth, I can tell you that people generally have a view of blindness which is much, much, much more bleak than what is actually the case. Just something to keep in mind as you move along your incredible journey. “

First of all, thank you for reading our website! Also, thank you for commenting.

I see the post you read was one of the earlier ones. Please read some of the later posts and you will see my attitude gets better. Accepting if not approving.

I did not mean to suggest blindness is the end of the world. What I am writing about is my personal experience.

Since I experienced my vision loss in February, the visually impaired seem to be coming out of the proverbial woodwork! Because I have now become a card-carrying low vision person – or is it P.C. to say person with low vision? – it appears I have fallen into a sphere of influence in which people want me to know about people they know who have sight loss.

Two people who have been blind since infancy have come to my attention. And, yes, they have done very well for themselves. Both have professions. Both have families. The lives they have led thus far have not been bleak. From your comment it sounds as if you fall into that group.

One of those people was quoted as saying he never much minded his blindness. However, he wondered if he would have reacted differently to losing his sight later in life. I think that comment was insightful.

The postings I have been doing – at least the earlier one – have, yes, been about sight loss but at the core they are about loss. Loss, plain and simple. Loss is a small death and it is mourned that way. Those earlier posts were about grief and mourning.

As a professional you may be aware of the stages of grief. According to the article posted by WebMD they are denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance.

Acceptance is defined as the coming to terms with the loss and integrating that loss into the set of life experiences. It is the end stage of grief and it is tenuous. More loss can kick you right back to an earlier stage.

Many people don’t get to acceptance. They get stuck in an earlier stage. For example, sight loss and depression in older folks often go together. If sight loss comes to call, you might as well set a place for depression too.

When you lose a sense or a capability, you lose a part of yourself. It becomes necessary to grieve that loss and build a new self. Any loss of any kind is upsetting. That includes vision loss.

Bottom line? Intellectually, I agree with you. The view of blindness as a bleak and hopeless way to live is not true. Emotionally, I have some traveling to do before I get there. I still have a loss to mourn. Continue reading “Vision LOSS”

One Thing at a Time

[We had a technical problem and this page should have come earlier.]

I promised to do mindfulness for this post and I am, sort of. This post is going to come in the ‘back door’ and talk about mindlessness first.

Why? Because I spent 15 minutes looking for my glasses again. Why did that happen? Because I can be a queen of mindlessness, that’s why!

The free dictionary defines mindlessness as “giving or showing little attention or care; heedless”.

Mindlessness is something that you might know as being on autopilot or inattentiveness. It is doing things without engaging your brain. You simply are not paying attention.

I lost my glasses – again! – because we were in the process of sending in our tax returns. Check needed here. Stamp needed there. Did you sign this one? I took off my glasses and put them down. Then I mindlessly put some papers on top of them. Good going kid.

Since I have lost some vision it seems I cannot have the luxury of being mindless. Before I could look around, root around and find things pretty easily. All right, maybe not that easily but the point is I could use my vision to cover a lot of ground in the search. Not any more.

Things are a lot more labor intensive. I have to pay better attention. In essence, I have to become more mindful of what I ask doing.

Another thing I have to do is stop multitasking. Many of us think multitasking is a good thing. Hey, if I were not doing ten things at once nothing would ever get done! Right? Wrong!

Multitasking is not real. Your brain can only attend to one thing at a time. What you are actually doing is switching back and forth in your focus. Your brain is fast! It can turn on the proverbial dime and you barely notice the switch, but you are not multitasking.

Try a fun experiment. I stole this – I admit I stole it. I lifted it off some website and I have no idea which one. If it were your site, I apologize and ask you to remember that imitation is a sincere form of flattery.

Anyway….time yourself saying the alphabet and counting to 26. Now intersperse letters and numbers. 1a,2b, etc. It took longer. Those seconds are the time you waste on a verbal task. What if it were visual?

Another fun thing I stole off the web: start counting to 10. Have someone say “switch” and then sing Happy Birthday. Have the other person say “switch” at random times. The trick is you are required to go back to the place at which you stopped counting or singing.

Like I said, there is no such thing as multitasking. It is simply divided attention and divided attention is something I am discovering I cannot afford.

So next I will talk about the opposite of mindlessness. Maybe I can give myself a few reminders. After all, I do teach this stuff! Continue reading “One Thing at a Time”

David and Goliath

This week I am a bit heady with victory. David took on Goliath and won! Remember I told you I felt disrespected by a major publishing house? I knew they were required by law to help me out but yet I was getting no satisfaction.

I waited about two weeks and, honey, I was done waiting. I stopped calling customer service in Podunk, USA and called the corporate offices on Manhattan. We’re movin’ on up!

Gutsy? Yeah, I am not a shrinking violet. Especially true when I know I am right. And I was RIGHT.

Self advocacy by the handicapped is another hot topic. When I first met with my habilitation person, she asked me what I was doing to self-advocate. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I am an only child; I have been advocating for me my entire life. Much of what I do is asking for what I need and, frankly, wholeheartedly expecting to get it! I have always been a tad spoiled although I try not to be obnoxious about it. For a more unbiased opinion on the obnoxious bit, ask someone who knows me.

In simplest terms, self-advocacy is standing up for yourself. It involves expressing your own wants and interests in a way that you will be listened to and get what you want. It does not include being obnoxious about it.

Expressing wants and interests in a way that you can get what you want without embarrassing yourself is a skill. Since it is a skill, it can be learned and improved upon. Many people don’t think they can learn or need to learn the skill but, let me tell you, their lives might be a lot better if they did.

So, how did I accomplish my goal? First of all, I was fair. I had a legitimate gripe, but my gripe was not with the people I was now speaking with. In all fairness, these people were trying to help me and it made zero sense for me to yell or scream at them. I also used fairness by admitting a legitimate oversight was possible. Mistakes happen. Let us find it and fix it together.

I did not apologize for my need or for wanting them to do what they were legally obligated to do. Too many apologizes are signs of weakness and uncertainty about your stance. Groveling saps your power.

Do NOT grovel if you expect to win the battle.

The third point was my request was valid and moral. My heart was pure….at least in my primary goal. Maybe not so much in my desire to shove their noses in the Chafee amendment and the effective communication chapter of ADA. Not perfect here. In my original goal I was not trying to get something for nothing. I was not out to cheat them or to make them give me something I did not deserve. I stuck to my values.

The last point to address here is honesty and truthfulness. I did not exaggerate the problems I had been having, the way I felt or how much I needed accessible copies of their printed materials.

All together these four points make up the FAST skills from DBT. FAST skills were put together to help you get what you want without giving up your self-respect. No one can steal your self respect but you can give it away by being rude or dishonest.

Another thing I did to get what was right was be respectful and appreciative. By being respectful and appreciative, I set things up so the people helping me felt good about helping me. It became a win win situation. No one loses in a situation like that.

So now I have permission to alter their materials and put them in an accessible form. One more step towards my goal. I wonder if David did a happy dance when things went right for him? Continue reading “David and Goliath”

Positives Piggy Bank

This weekend I am accumulating positives. I am putting them in my positives piggy bank. I will be able to draw on the positives to help me stay strong when things go wrong.

In the overall scheme of things, my positives are not very big. The dishwasher can be repaired. We don’t need a new one. The company that I felt was not being cooperative called – on a Saturday! (OK, so I called the corporate office on Friday; more on that in another post). I just may get that settled. The blizzard we were supposed to have fizzled and I got out to a Relay for Life event. Today is sunny and the beastie baby and I got to go to the dog park. These are all things that have gone right. Score! Score! And score!

Sometimes when things are not the best, I forget that all is not bad. There is a lot of positive things that happen to me. I just have to give some thought to the things that are right instead of wrong.

I am a 62 year old who goes to a hip hop dance class so it would be hypocritical for me to say I don’t like modern music. What I can say is the old music had better messages. Remember watching Bing Crosby in White Christmas? How about Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music? I am thinking about Count Your Blessings and My Favorite Things. Both of them have the message we should be aware of positives and remember them when we are down. Both of them are about accumulating positives.

This is short but I said what I wanted to say. Enjoy the music! Continue reading “Positives Piggy Bank”

Just Breathe

So if you are mindful, what is your mind full of? That is where the ‘particular way’ comes in. You are full of the present and you are full of compassion for yourself, no judgments.

Mindfulness is good for regrets and worry because they are not in the now. It gets your mind off of things that you cannot now change and off of things that you cannot deal with because they have not yet happened – and may, in fact, never happen! Mindfulness deals strictly with now.

Mindfulness is also very compassionate because it does not judge. Mindfulness does not even judge judgements!

So how does it work? Essentially mindfulness is one of the most difficult simple things you will ever strive to master. Note I said strive to master. Like yoga, this is called mindfulness practice, not mindfulness perfect.

Since we need to stay in the now it usually works better if we have something real and now to concentrate on. I like breath meditation because, unless I am in real trouble, my breath is always there. Also, while brain and body are often really smart, they can be fooled easily. If you control your breath and keep it deep and easy, your brain and body will think everything is good.

Breath meditation can be done with square breathing. In to a slow count of four. Hold for a slow count of four. Out for a slow count of four. Hold for a slow four. Concentrate on the sensations. Feel the air going in your nose. Feel your lungs expand. Listen to your breath.

I can practically guarantee you will not maintain focus on your breath. Your mind will start to wander because – like puppies – that is what minds do.

Criticizing yourself for not being able to focus will do more harm than good. It will just spin your thoughts off to everything else you cannot do right.

Instead just notice you are thinking other thoughts. Acknowledge it nonjudgmentally and put yourself back on track. Sounds simple but it is actually hard and does require practice.

I like to use breath meditation – and no, just because it is called meditation does not mean this is associated with any religion or strange cult – when I wake up at four in the morning. That seems to be the time my mind gremlins like to come out to play. Every worry and plan I have decides it needs attention at 4:00 am. So I breathe. I breathe with purpose and attention. Focus!  In 4, hold 4, out 4, hold 4. What am I going to do about….? Notice. Ignore. Breathe. What if….? Notice. Ignore. Breathe. It usually let’s me get back to sleep instead of spinning off into a sea of issues that either cannot be solved or need not be solved at four in the morning.

That is mindfulness and breath meditation. It anchors me in the present and limits my worrying about the future. It reminds me not to be judgmental. I am human and, by definition, not perfect. It lets me sleep. Good stuff. Continue reading “Just Breathe”

Pay Attention

Mindfulness. In case you have not noticed, mindfulness is a hot topic. I teach it in DBT. It is featured in magazines. They say we all need it. I NEED it. My low vision aids are too expensive to sit down and walk away from!

So what is mindfulness? Dialectic behavior therapy tells us mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way, to just this moment, without judgment. Now you know just about as much as you did a moment ago, huh? Feel that way myself sometimes.

A recent buzz phrase is “ let’s unpack that!”. OK. Let us unpack that and see what it means.

Attention….this topic may go a little long, over several posts, because now I have to define attention and distinguish it from awareness.

The example I use to distinguish attention from awareness, and even from mindlessness or inattention, is this: you are walking to your table in a restaurant and someone has left her purse in the aisle. If you are mindless of it, you fall over it and have no clue what happened. If you are aware of it, you walk around it. If you are attentive to it, you can speak knowledgeably about the style, color and material of the bag. Those are mindlessness, awareness and attention.

We spend a lot of time either mindless or, at most, aware. When you are driving, if you are still driving, you pass all sorts of things that you never really ‘see’. You – hopefully – slide around the kid riding his bike on the berm. Was it a boy or a girl? Was it a red bike or a blue? You don’t know because you were aware but not attentive.

So if that is awareness, what is attention? The definition I was given online was this: notice taken of someone or something. The regarding of someone or something as interesting or important. Please note the interesting or important part. Attention is a special state of mind that focuses upon a limited range of experiences. We see this range of experiences as special and we want to focus our consciousness upon it.

DBT uses the analogy of street lights versus a flashlight. The street light makes us aware of much but the flashlight allows us to focus our attention onto something special.

It is with this focusing of attention that we become mindful. Only problem is, this is easier said than done. I read somewhere the average person has about 6,000 stray thoughts a day. This translates to one stray thought every 11 seconds or so. Makes you tired just thinking about it!

People who do not know how active a mind typically is believe it is possible to enter a state of calm and trance at will. They try a mindfulness exercise for 10 minutes and when they don’t instantly reach a state of Nirvana, they give up. This is not at all how mindfulness works.

My analogy for this problem is simple. Your mind/attention is a puppy. In order to train this puppy you will require a lot of patience. You will put that puppy back on the paper what seems like 100 times a day. You have to keep at it and eventually you will succeed.

What is the mental equivalent of kindly, gently and persistently putting that puppy back on the paper? Let’s save that for the next post. Continue reading “Pay Attention”

What–Me Worry?

We have had a couple of requests for direct, psychological advice. While I appreciate the vote of confidence, I am not able to do that. I am a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania and not permitted to practice out-of-state borders. We have no good idea where inquiries are coming from.

There are also matters of insurance and liability. It could get really messy. The musings I do here are related to my own life and how things are going with me. I am not planning on suing myself for malpractice!  Although I don’t believe most of you would, some of you might. Something about one bad apple.

I include dialectic behavioral therapy information as educational material only. This information is widely available in classes, texts and on the web. I think it is excellent material or I would not teach it and use it to handle my own messes.

That said, it does not mean that something someone said has not sparked an idea for a post. Remember, it is a lesson or a personal musing and NOT direct advice. This is not an advice column. It is a journal with a friendly lesson here and there. If you find something that relates and helps, I am glad but I am not liable if the ideas are not helpful to you.

But even the Devil can quote scripture !

On worry:

Luke, 12:27-28  Consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not, and yet I say unto you, that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothe the grass, which is today in the field, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, o ye of little faith?

Or how about…

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.
Leo Buscaglia

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles…by the ears, by the heels or anyway you can manage it.
Mark Twain

I’ve developed a new philosophy…I only dread one day at a time.
Charles Shultz

These quotes are all related to a core DBT concept called mindfulness. I probably should have hit on mindfulness much sooner because it is essential to surviving crisis, especially the long-term variety like AMD. It is not a skill I am great at but I try to practice it frequently. I will do mindfulness next. Continue reading “What–Me Worry?”

Gotta Play to Win

The comment that my low vision specialist made about people rejecting the help of assistive devices made me think of another dialectic behavioral therapy lesson. So back to DBT class!

Remember the kid who was a poor loser? Whenever something did not go his own way he would pick up his toys and go home. That child was a perfect example of willfulness.

Willfulness in dialectic behavioral terms is the refusal to accept reality as it is. It is the refusal to engage in the game unless things are played by your rules and you are the winner. Willfulness involved being upset that things are not fair or right. It involves a denial of the situation. If things do not go my way I refuse to participate. I am going to withdraw and sulk or rant and rave till I get my own way.

I suspect that child you knew who hated to admit the reality that he was not the best Checkers player or the best batter on the team was not all that popular. I suspect you could say very easily what it was that he was doing wrong.

I suspect you would say something like “C’mon Charlie! Just hit at the ball! You can’t win if you don’t play. Besides, who said life was fair? “

Out of the mouths of babes often comes great truth.

Life is anything but fair! Having AMD is not fair! If I thought it would help, I would be at the front of the line screaming for a do over. Shuffle those genes again, Daddy! I don’t want the one that says AMD. Unfortunately that particular ship sailed around 63 years ago.

Why do people become so willful? Charlie was probably afraid of failure. He may have thought his accepting his mediocre athletic skills would mean social disaster. None of the guys will want to play with me if I stink at baseball.

What would you…or me…be afraid of in accepting assistive devices? What does that mean? But, perhaps more importantly, what will it mean for you if you don’t?

The opposite of willfulness is willingness. Willingness is getting in the game. It means you play as skillfully as you can with what you have. It is an attitude of acceptance of what is real. And it ain’t easy! Willingness requires a dozen different decisions every day. Use the reader. Sigh. Ask for help. Sigh. Do the bus trip instead of driving to the city. Yuck! Oh, sigh.

I may have said this before, acceptance does not mean approval. I would not be screaming to get into that clinical trial if I approved of going blind. No approval from this girl! But I want to be in the game, so I accept what keeps me there.

You can’t win if you don’t play.

Continue reading “Gotta Play to Win”

The Low Vision Two-Step

Today was two steps forward and one step back. But sometimes it was two steps back and one forward. When all is said and done, I may be one step further along the road than I was, but that could be debatable.

What was good? We heard about an inquiry we made to the Macular Degeneration Partnership (we asked if they would publish our website address).  They like our website and would like to run a short piece on us. Sweet.

Not so good was I emailed ‘my’ researcher at Wills Eye Hospital. They have been told the stem cell research on dry Macular Degeneration is being held up six months. The Stargardt’s study is on hold even longer. ‘My’ researcher seemed upset because she has a lot of people clamoring to get into the study. Maybe if the corporate folks had to answer to the patients we would have a little more movement.

People going blind here! Figure out your organization stuff later. Give the go ahead to the research now!

The only positive of having the study postponed for another six months is I can now plan a summer vacation. Perhaps a cruise since that way my husband won’t be stuck doing all of the driving. I also looked at one cruise line site and they advertised accommodations for disabilities. I might be ‘forced’ to take a cruise to check out their low vision accommodations. Sometimes this is a tough business.

I have been discharged by my low vision specialist. I am getting my reader, near point and far point glasses.  Add to that my CCTV and I should be good for a while.

The low vision specialist  is also referring me for mobility training. That is sort of exciting. I would still like to learn how to safely cross the street. The thought of being roadkill is not exciting at all.

So, still just trying to move along this low vision path. I get discouraged. Just the same, accepting the problems and trying to deal with things as they come along seems better than the alternatives. I still believe I can make it until my early 90s – unless I get mowed down trying to cross the street, that is.

I don’t intend to spend the next thirty years doing nothing!

My low vision person invited me to a support group meeting. It is going to be a ‘toy show’. Many of her other patients are rejecting the supports the toys are able to offer. They are standing back and being what in DBT terms is called willful. Sort of a “my way or the highway”, “choose to die on every hill” attitude. My low vision specialist thought seeing someone who has embraced the toys might help. Not sure I can make it. Transportation. But I will try to get there over the summer.

In the meantime, I do believe I have a topic for my next post! Continue reading “The Low Vision Two-Step”

Measure Twice and Cut Once

People are tough on themselves. Really tough. They are constantly passing judgments on themselves. I was not forceful enough, good-looking enough, smart enough. My worries are petty. I need to stop being so pitiful. I AM pitiful. I have seen this tendency to be self-critical in clients, comments, friends and myself.

One of the tenets of DBT is also a dialectic: people do the best they can, but they can do better. Huh? People do the best they can under the circumstances with the skill set they possess. They can do better and we can help them to do better by teaching them, by assisting in changing their circumstances and helping them to develop a better skill set.

AMD can really put a cramp in your style. I suspect most of us have always been pretty independent and competent. Now some of the simplest things are daunting.

Back to the post on stupid crap I have been doing. Well, I am still doing it. This week I got it into my head it was a new pay period. Last week’s hours were all by their lonesome on one sheet and this week’s hours were all by their lonesome on another sheet. That was not the way the business office wants it.

Stupid me! Right? Not exactly. Being judgmental and calling myself names is not going to solve the problem.

Being judgmental is a good way to get to anger, resentment and discouragement but it does not get you to a solution.

In this case I found one more area in which I had to resolve to do better. I had already put the ‘measure twice and cut once’ adage to work in other parts of my life. This was just another place I would have to remember to check and double-check.

And, yes, this living with vision loss is time consuming. It is getting a little better but every time I try to cut corners I make a mistake and have to spend more time correcting it.

Better to stop fussing about how slow I have become and do it right the first time.

(Either make a mistake or get a smartass comment. Yesterday I tried to read something posted on the wall without bothering to get out my magnifier. My boss told me I looked like I had been bad and been sent to stand with my nose against the wall! Thanks, boss. Sometimes smartass comments are affection in disguise.)

So, here I am. And I yam what I yam, just like Popeye. Negative judgment will do nothing but make me feel bad. I guess that leaves accept, adjust, move on. Sigh. Continue reading “Measure Twice and Cut Once”

Dr. Frankenstein

I spent yesterday being Dr. Frankenstein. The new printer/scanner came in the mail and I had a full afternoon of problems with it. The ink cartridges would not snap into the caddy and the paper jammed every time I tried to print. After consulting all of the help forums I could find and going through about a ream of paper trying to fix the problem  – not to mention trying to see inside the thing; not being able to see inside the last one got me in this predicament – I had an epiphany. Eureka! The old printer/scanner is the same model. Scavenge off of it!

So, in true Dr. Frankenstein fashion, I took pieces off the old one and put them on the new. It worked! “Look, Igor! The monster! It is alive! It is alive!”

My husband said it was wrong. A new piece of equipment directly from the distributor should not need to be rebuilt. I should just return it.

Part of me agreed. In an ideal world, everything works the first time. People can hold to their standards and insist on how things should be done, but, honey, this is no perfect world.

Which gets me to the point of this post: effectiveness. Great. Effectiveness. What is effectiveness?

To me, effectiveness is the cable guy rule from DBT. “Get ‘er done.”  And get ‘er done in the way that works for you. Focus on what works and keep your eye on your objective. Stay away from should and should not and the ‘right’ way of doing things. Be aware of the situation you are in and act in the most skillful way you can to solve the problem. Don’t give a thought to the situation you wish you were in. Effectively/effectiveness is a ‘how’ skill from DBT.

So, in a perfect world I would not have broken my last printer. AMD does not make for a perfect world so there is no sense dwelling on the “this should not have happened” thought. It is what it is.

In a perfect world, things don’t come damaged from the factory. I could have returned it but how long would it take to pack it up, send it out, get a new one, etc??? Would that serve my purpose? And by the way, what WAS my purpose?

My purpose was to have a working printer/scanner.  I accomplished that. Playing Dr. Frankenstein got me what I wanted.

Was it the way it should be? No. Was it done effectively? Yep.

Bottom line is I am  not able to do a lot of things the way I used to, the way they ‘should’ be done. I could cry over not being able to do things ‘properly’ or I could get ‘er done in a way that will get me to my goal. It is a DBT How skill and it is done ‘effectively’. Continue reading “Dr. Frankenstein”

People Who Need People

Good morning. I got so excited about the great service I was getting from HMH publishing house I forgot to tell you about my trip to the massage therapist.

My friend gave me a gift certificate to this massage therapist (MT) who is not only a good massage person but also blind. I think there was a little method in the madness of the choice, yes?

The MT started to lose her sight at 6 months, not 6 decades and she has lived her life being a person with low vision and blindness. She runs a very successful business as my trouble getting an appointment proved. The MT’s office is full of ‘toys’ and I hope to get her to guest post on some of those toys as well as other topics in the near future. Her visual problem is not AMD but feelings and accommodations related to vision loss and blindness appear to be all closely aligned no matter the ‘why’ of the condition.

But this page is about people. One of my favorite topics. After all, I is a psychologist!

The MT wanted to talk to me. What did my new MT want to talk? She wanted to talk ‘blind’! And not just for the benefit of this new kid on the block. She wanted to talk ‘blind’ for herself as well. My new MT has plenty of fully sighted clients and she talks to them all of the time. What she said she does not have is the opportunity to socialize with people who are also visually impaired.

Now, people are people but to put a twist on Animal Farm, some people are more equal than other. Some of them ‘get’ you and some of them don’t.

I have been living as a visually impaired person for a very short time and I assure you I am nowhere near ‘getting it’ totally. My being the closest thing to another, real, live, visually impaired person my MT has seen in a long time got me to thinking.

This vision loss thing is a lonely business.

I truly am a person “who needs people” (cue Barbra). Being around other people keeps me sane, or at least what passes for sane in my life. Community is important to me…and to you. Community with people who ‘get it’ may be even more important.

And the takeaway message from all of this? I guess for me it is, keep your old friends but keep reaching out, too. Check out both local and online support groups. Walk up and start a conversation with the person with the white cane. Open those lines of communication. Push back against the isolation. If not you, then who?

Be responsible for making the world a better place. You might find the biggest beneficiary is you.

Written April 2016.  Reviewed 2018.

Continue reading “People Who Need People”

Three States of Mind

I am on a roll so I am going to ‘roll’ right into the Three States of Mind from DBT. This is another introductory concept that I somehow think I forgot to give you as I have been navigating my own personal mess and needs here. More educational component this.

The Three States of Mind are not something esoteric or bizarre that you can only understand after a thorough initiation into some strange sect. They are actually pretty simple and I suspect that at one time or another you have been in each of the three of them. The three states are reasonable (or rational), emotional and wise.

Because this is supposed to just be a short post – better on the eyes, my dears – I am going to use an example that I used in class. Once more, real life Sue. God bless you.

I walk into a sale and there is a mechanical rabbit toy. It is cute and plush. When you push a button the ears go up and down and it sings a song. What do I say? “Isn’t that cute?! I want that rabbit!” That is the emotional mind. At the time I was 61 years old and I had absolutely no use for a toy rabbit. I would not want it in a few days but I wanted that rabbit – now! It was adorable.

“Isn’t that cute?! I want that rabbit!” says my emotional mind.

Who is heard from next? My reasonable (or rational) mind. “How totally ridiculous! It is a waste of money. What will you ever do with that thing?” Totally logical; right? Think Mr. Spock in your head.

“How totally ridiculous! It is a waste of money. What will you ever do with that thing?” says my rational mind.

“I don’t care! I want that rabbit! I want it!” Back to my emotional mind.

Now it is possible for this to go on for a long time. If I do not reach an agreement in the middle – a dialectic, remember? – there will be no peace in my head. I buy the rabbit and my reasonable mind has a field day.

I buy the rabbit and my reasonable mind has a field day ridiculing my emotional mind. If I don’t buy it, my emotional mind sulks.

Enter wise mind. Wise mind finds the middle ground. It finds the dialectic, the balance. Wise mind considers both sides and tries to make each of the other minds happy.

Three minds: reasonable, emotional and wise.
Three minds: reasonable, emotion and wise.

I must have walked away and returned to that rabbit three or four times before I came upon a wise mind solution. I would buy the rabbit but not keep it. My emotional mind would be happy because I got to play with the toy for a little bit. Emotional mind tends to be very short term in its thinking. I would then give it to a friend’s daughter and satisfy my reasonable mind. Toy rabbits should be owned by children. That is rational. Everyone is happy and there is peace in the kingdom.

The wise mind says to buy the rabbit and not keep it.

I buy the rabbit, play with it for a little bit (emotional mind is happy).

I then give it to a friend’s daughter (reasonable mind is happy). Toy rabbits should be owned by children. That is rational.

There will be times you want to be ruled by your emotional mind even though you know it is not a long-term or rational solution. There will be times you will be urged to do the “logical” thing and ignore your feelings. Remember there is a peaceful alternative where both your emotional and your reasonable mind can get some of what they each want. That place is in your wise mind. Try to go there often.

Written March 2016.  Reviewed September 2018.

Continue reading “Three States of Mind”

Never Say Always

While there is a lull in the action here, I am going to backfill and write a little bit on Dialectic Behavior Therapy. This is the stuff that usually comes first when we teach but I have been hitting skills as I have had to use them instead. Time to double back and fill in some of the holes.

First off, what the hey are dialectics? Dialectics assume there is truth in every stance/belief/opinion. Somewhere in what someone believes there is a grain of truth. Dialectic thinking has as a purpose moving us off of our previously inflexible beliefs and opinions, helping us to reduce our black and white thinking. By reducing black and white thinking and recognizing that everyone has some truth in what they think, we can move towards a common ground and find resolution to our conflicts.

Dialectics assume that somewhere in what someone believes there is a grain of truth.

For example, some people believe I am totally handicapped and need help with everything. They try to do everything for me. I would like to believe I am not handicapped at all and capable of doing everything I was always capable of doing. This black and white, all or nothing thinking can cause conflicts and stress. I get peeved when people do things for me I can do for myself. I am not helpless! Other people get peeved when I fumble and make mistakes because I am too proud to ask for help. You are so stubborn!

I would like to believe I am not handicapped at all and capable of doing everything I was always capable of doing.

The truth of the matter is somewhere in the middle. Can I do somethings? Yes. Can I do everything? No. Coming into the middle ground and agreeing there are some things I can do but some things I cannot do will reduce a lot of disagreements and stress. That is a dialectic.

So dialectics strive for balance. They move you away from the black and white. Does that mean you have to give up your moral code. Nope. Think about it; how often does your moral code get challenged? Most black and white sort of dilemmas are about silly stuff anyway. “I always take out the garbage.” or “You never empty the cat box!”

Can I do somethings? Yes. Can I do everything? No. The truth of the matter is somewhere in the middle.

Notice the absolute words in those sentences. Always and never are overused words. How often is something always? Always never? Dialectics try to steer us away from the use of absolutes.

FYI – must is another one of the words that does not go along with a dialectic point of view. I must keep driving. I must keep my own financial records. What happens when must meets cannot in those situations?

How often is something always? Always never?  Dialectics try to steer us away from the use of absolutes.

Dialectics attempt to hold two things that are opposite or conflicting in balance. If you have lived to be old enough to have AMD and have lived a reasonably successful life, you have had a lot of experience with dialectics. How many times have you balanced wants and needs when budgeting? How about balancing needs for distance and closeness? For example, “Give Daddy time to relax and then you can tell him about your school project.” I would suspect you have been practicing dialectic thinking for some time and never even knew it!

So that is what dialectics are. Balancing two opposite things, recognizing the validity in each and moving towards the center for resolution of the conflict.

As you experience wants and needs, abilities and limitations related to your AMD, keep dialectic thinking in mind.

Written March 2016.  Reviewed September 2018.

Continue reading “Never Say Always”

A Watch Hunt

I wish I knew where my watch is. I have looked under the bed and even stripped the bed. I shook out the blankets and the sheets. No watch.

I have moved everything on the bathroom vanity where I often carelessly toss it before I take a bath. No watch.

I have checked the pockets of everything I have had on in the last day, pants and jackets. Maybe it came undone and fell in a pocket. Nope. No watch.

My husband is sort of used to me losing things. He has been on ‘The Great Cell Phone Hunt’ several times. When I told him I had lost my watch his comment was “Really? What a surprise.” Smart Ass.

The simple fact of the matter? I am a slob. I am a piler. One of the major reasons – or at least a contributing factor – for my becoming a professional and not a domestic goddess is I hate to clean.

Now it is not the worst I have seen. Just about the worst was during a home visit on which I saw multiple piles of dried dog feces on the living room floor. No, it is not of the dried dog poop standard, but it ain’t good.

I like to have my ‘stuff’. Stuff ends up in piles. Things get lost in piles of V.I.S. – That’s Very Important Stuff, by the way.

When I was fully sighted I could dig through piles of V.I.S. and find what I was looking for. Now I may sort past what I am looking for and have not a clue it is there.

People are making ‘casual’ suggestions. Maybe I should get rid of some of my V.I.S. Maybe I should get better organized. Would it not be great to know where everything is? Let’s hear it for organization? Hmmmm

Right now there are a lot of ways I am working on inventing the ‘new me’. Not really liking it, but I have to keep ‘turning my mind’ (DBT concept alert!) and accepting that things have changed. Some of the changes I am being forced to make are minor and some of them are closer to the core. Intellectually – and as a DBT teacher – I know that I should work on accepting reality and changing attitudes and habits to meet that new reality. I also know that it is really hard to do at times. That is especially true when the changes have to be with things that are pretty close to the core self. After all, I have been a slob for 62 years and I kind of like it.

So I will ‘turn my mind’ and make some of the necessary changes. Later. Right now it appears I need another watch!

Written March 2016.  Reviewed September 2018.

Continue reading “A Watch Hunt”

Sue’s Terrible, Awful, No Good Day!

Back to yesterday. I was frustrated. I was pissy. I was just about ready to sell my soul to be full-sighted again. Daniel Webster, where did you find that guy you bargained with?

I have always done stupid crap but since I have had vision problems I think I do more stupid crap. Yesterday the upstairs vacuum stopped sucking stuff up. There was a wad of dog hair that it had very neatly balled up and spit back out and that wad was sitting on the carpet. OK. Vacuum mechanic I am not, but maybe I can fix this.

I have always done stupid crap but since I have had vision problems I think I do more stupid crap.

To make a long story short, I took the thing apart looking for a blockage. Got confused and fed said wad of dog hair into the intake for the motor. Burning dog hair is not one of my comfort smells.

Stupid crap frustration moment 1.

Then, I decided to bite the bullet and complete the formal request form for the publishing house I have been cursing out for the past week. Have you ever noticed you NEVER fit in ANY of the boxes or is that just me? I think I have spent my life being ‘other’.

Essentially there was no way for me to fill out the form correctly because the needs the form was built to handle and my needs were very different. I ended up filling in the ‘additional information’ section with a ‘book’ about my problems and burning desire to get back to work and as close to ‘me’ as I could get. I was angry and resentful and frustrated and then there were tears. This round peg is tired of trying to fit into square holes!

Frustration moments 2, 3 and 4. Possibly even 5.

THEN I tried to print that accursed form off and the printer jammed. I did not see the paper jam was wrapped around part of the printer. Honestly, I did not. Do you think I would have pulled that hard and broken my printer if I had???? Pulled that sucker right off.

That was frustration moment 6.

The point has been made before: I am not a patient person. Before, in this circumstance I would have jumped in the car and cruised on over to Best Buy for a new printer. Uhhh, no car. Can’t drive. Husband in for the night. No printer.

Let’s get up to about frustration moment 9 here.

Top all of this off with a misstep on the steps. I have dark carpet on the steps and dark tile on the floor. Did not bother to turn on the stair light. Did not heed my habilitation person’s suggestion to use contrast. There is one more step than I anticipated. Came down on the side of the ankle but stayed upright.

That rounds it all off with frustration moment 10!

Since no convenient devil popped up to bargain for my soul – and let me tell you, I could have been ripe for it – I had to deal with myself. Bring myself down or it was going to get NASTY.

First thing I did was order a new printer on Amazon. Quickly replacing things may not be a financial option for many of you but thankfully it is for me. I replaced the thing so I would only have to deal with the frustration of no printer for a few days.

Damage control. What plan can you devise for damage control?

Then I went into the self-soothe skills. Chocolate ice cream is good. One dish, not the entire half-gallon. I cuddled with the beastie baby. I drew a hot bath and put in vanilla shower gel for a bubble bath. After that I put a dab of Vicks Vapor Rub on my chest and crawled into bed. Conveniently I had just changed the bed that day so the sheets were cool and crisp. I pulled the sheets over my head and smelled the Vicks.

Then I went into self-soothe skills.  I ate chocolate ice cream, cuddled the beastie baby, drew a hot bubble bath, put Vicks Vapor Rub on my chest & crawled into bed.

Why Vicks? It is another comfort smell for me. It is the smell of being home sick from school and getting to eat chicken noodle soup and draw on the hot vaporizer with wax crayons.

So there you have it. Yesterday stank. Nobody rescued me so I had to rescue myself.

Remember, I not only teach DBT, I am a client. 🙂

Written March 2016.  Reviewed September 2018.

Continue reading “Sue’s Terrible, Awful, No Good Day!”

Yesterday

I am typing this on my laptop because the tablet has decided to take a vacation today. Hopefully, this is not the next thing to go wrong.

Yesterday. To follow the Beatles theme, let’s just call this post “Yesterday”. But yesterday was not a day to look back on wistfully. It was pretty frustrating.

Like I said, I have great support. My Saturday morning ride to Zumba took me to class – Thank you! – and I noticed one of the ‘girls’ hadn’t been there in a few weeks, still not there. I knew she has been having health problems and sure enough, that was the reason my driver gave me for this girl’s continued absence.

It made me sad. Not just because she is having problems but also because the last time I saw her and asked how she was, this girl had refused to tell me. She said I had enough problems of my own and would not lean on me for hers.

I cannot speak for everyone who has AMD, but for me, AMD has not taken me out of the human race. I do care when friends and acquaintances are having problems and I do want to lend any sort of hand that I can. Sympathy is one thing but when it goes across the line to pity, I have a problem with it. I know that this girl was only trying to lessen my burden but sometimes we lessen our burdens by taking some of the burdens from someone else. I feel I need to be given the opportunity to CARE. How about you?

Sympathy is one thing but when it goes across the line to pity, I have a problem with it.

Being the educator I am at heart, I’m just going to add a little DBT here and finish the rest of my miserable, awful, no-good day venting in the next post. If you are struggling with your vision as I do without the reader, you prefer short posts and articles to read. Too much is too much, yes?

Back on track, DBT concepts here. I think that this situation may highlight the ACCEPTS skills. I see contributing (the first ‘c’ in ACCEPTS). We sometimes have to weather a crisis by getting out of our own problems and helping someone else. It gets the focus off of us. It gets us back into the human race and allows us to flex our compassion muscles instead of our self-pity ones.

We sometimes have to weather a crisis by getting out of our own problems and helping someone else.

The other ACCEPTS skill I see here is comparison (the second ‘c’). It really is true that misery loves company and people like to see someone who is worse off than they are (OK, so I am not always Little Miss Compassion). This girl is not able to take Zumba. I can! She is in physical pain. I am not. It could be worse.

It really is true that misery loves company and people like to see someone who is worse off than they are.

That is probably not the best note to end my plea for others to allow me to be compassionate towards them, but I suspect you get the point.

Kid glove handling not required here. Let me do the caregiving and support I can and was used to doing before my vision loss. Enough said.

Written March 2016. Updated September 2018.

Continue reading “Yesterday”

Soothe Thyself

Change is stressful. Even good change is stressful. This is my second week back to work. Right now it is only part-time but that is enough. Less than two months ago I was working 50 hour weeks and thriving on it. Now I come home after a 7 hour day, three days a week and I am wiped out. What the hey?!?

Change is stressful.  Even good change is stressful.

This is obviously something I want. I would not be trying to go back to work unless I really wanted it. It is not something I have to do; it is something I want to do. It is getting easier the more I do it. I am relaxing a little bit just in knowing I am capable – with the help of a lot of good people and my ‘toys’ – of doing the job. My stamina is building. But until I get my groove back and my stamina built, what do I do with all of this STRESS?

Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has Self-Soothing Skills that are taught as part of the distress tolerance module. You remember self-soothing? When you were one it was the thumb in the mouth and the favorite blankie. Maybe it was sitting in your crib and rocking. Right now those ways of self-soothing might not appear very appealing, but they worked when you were one. What can we old, mature folks do that will work as well without the stigma…or the buck teeth?

DBT looks at self-soothing through all five of the senses. We need to find ways of being gentle and kind to ourselves, comforting and nurturing, and we can do that through the five senses.

Self-soothing is not in the head. It is in the body because that is where the stress is stored.

The first of the senses we will discuss is vision. Well, yippee. Not seeing too well here. How can I be calmed visually?

My AMD is not all that advanced – Thank God. I have peripheral vision. I am also capable of looking at something big, like the sky with clouds, and have that sight fill most of my visual field. Most of the sky with clouds is being seen by the rest of my retina, not the macula. (There are times I will look at something big like the sky just to remember what it is like to see something without a chunk in the middle taken out). Watching the clouds blow across a bright, blue sky is a self-soothing experience for me.

Is there something that you can see that is self-soothing for you? If not, don’t worry. There are four other senses you can fall back on.

How about hearing? Some people like easy-listening or slow, classical music. I am a child of nature so my favorites are from the outdoors. Right now it is getting dusk and the birds are getting ready to roost. Can you hear the robins chirping? Day is done and it is time to rest.

When the sun goes down and the birds are quiet, I can just hear the frogs calling in a wetland nearby. If you don’t live somewhere you can listen to nature, there are recordings of natural sounds that you can download on your computer.

What sounds are calming for you? Listen to them and sooth yourself.

Smell is a great sense. It is very attached to emotions and memory. Even if I could not consciously remember my childhood, for example, I would know it was happy. How, you may ask? Crazy as it sounds, two of my favorite smells are hot tar and creosote. I was raised in a new, 50s era neighborhood with new telephone and light poles (creosote treated) and tar and chip roads. In the heat of the summer, the air was redolent with hydrocarbons. Other people may think they stink, but I love them. They are the smells of my childhood summers.

Which all goes to say, a smell that soothes one person may send another gagging to the bathroom. That’s alright. Smells and their effects are very personal because they are connected to memory and emotion. The olfactory center of your brain sits very close to the emotional brain and the memory center. In this case it really is a matter of location, location, location.

So what smells are able to calm you? While you can get a variety of essential oils that are supposed to be soothing, you don’t have to go the commercial route. Creosote and hot tar may work just as well.

A smell that soothes one person may send another gagging to the bathroom.

So that is three senses. The last ones are, of course, touch and taste.

A friend bought me a gift certificate for a massage when everything went south with my eyes a couple of months back. Massages are wonderful, but they are expensive. If you are on a limited budget you might want to put lotion on your feet or take a nice, bubble bath. Last evening when I was stressed and a little pissy, I went upstairs and took a hot bath with vanilla shower gel. Did the trick. Other ideas would include putting fresh sheets on the bed or putting on a plush, wooly sweater. Curl up and be engulfed in your favorite chair. Pet the dog. Run your fingers along the satin on the blanket.

There are a lot of ways to self-sooth with touch. Find one that works for you.

The last of the senses is taste. A lot of us can get in trouble with taste. I want to self-sooth so I eat the entire Boston cream pie. Wonderful on the lips but not so much on the hips, huh? Moderation and savor are the two key words here. Get one expensive chocolate and see how long it can melt in your mouth. See how many different flavors you can taste. Roll it around in your mouth and make it a multisensory experience. Not only taste that chocolate but feel it and smell it as well. Self-soothing with taste is not about the quantity of food but about the quality of the experience.

Moderation and savor are the two key words here.

So I am listening to the birds calling before night falls. Outside, I am looking at the sky and watching the clouds. I can feel a light, cool breeze on my face. I am not tasting anything, but the smell? Well, I guess it is Spring. It was a stressful day, but I am winding down with my self-soothing skills. It is going to be a restful night.

Written March 2016. Reviewed September 2018.

Continue reading “Soothe Thyself”

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