The words for the week are validation and invalidating. Either those words or situations exemplifying those words have cropped up all week.
The online dictionary gives the third definition of validation as “the recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile”. In DBT an invalidating environment is believed to help to cause borderline personality disorder. An invalidating environment will punish or trivialize the expression of personal experience.
Invalidating environments were a big topic at the training we did as well as being a big topic in our assigned reading. Then, this week, when I was feeling awful about leaving my school job, everyone kept saying how “wonderful!” it was to be retiring. Nobody ‘got’ me. Every remark invalidated my private experience. Some people even told me how “crazy” I was not to be overwhelmed with joy!
Trust me; these are all kind people. They were not trying to give me mental health problems. (They have been doing that for the past 40 years! Oops! I did not say that.) They were just projecting their desires on to me. Either that or they did not know what to say.
All of this got me thinking about the invalidation we experience with vision loss. How many people have told you it is not that bad? Then there is my all-time favorite: “you don’t look blind!” Write in and share your favorite invalidating remark.
Jamie Long wrote The Power of Invalidation: 5 Things Not to Say. I recognize a number of them as things I say or have had said to me. How about “it could be worse.”? Then there are the twins, “ I am sorry that” and “you should not”. They are members of the “Feel-that- way” family. Long also reviews “Don’t think about it. Just move on” as well as “ I am not having this conversation!”
So how to be validating? Long has a short list of suggestions for that. She states that validation does not mean agreement. Emotions are different from behaviors. You can recognize a feeling without agreeing with a behavior.
Long also suggests we not become defensive, or at least try. This is not only if you are the person receiving the invalidation but also the person delivering the invalidation. Like I said, people react from their own feelings and realities. They may not match yours. They might also be at a loss as to what to say.
And if you step in it with what you thought was a supportive remark? Accept at least a part of the blame for things going off the rails. Long also suggests reflecting the feelings or even summarizing the experience. Heavy on the feelings involved, that is.
Last but not least, there are some situations we just can’t fix. Muddling around and making some inane comments in hopes of making things better doesn’t work. Better to just listen. And if the inane, ‘helpful’ comments are aimed at you, cut the other guy a break and actually tell him you don’t expect him to fix it. Ask him just to listen.
So those are our (or at least my) vocabulary words for the week. Quiz next week! Class dismissed!✌?
Written June 8th, 2018