Just want to start a quick note before I go out again. I have had all sorts of thoughts recently, things I could write pages about, but it has been very busy. You can only shove so many things into a day. After that, they start to fall out around the edges.
My big worry this past week has been my competence. I hate being incompetent. I hate it! I hate it! Ever since my boss at school said she has been correcting mistakes I have been ruminating.
I imagine everyone of you has known someone who stayed on a job after she had lost her usefulness. Sometimes it is just naïveté. Sometimes it is out of personal need and sometimes it is just plain maliciousness. “Let’s get the organization before we go.” I have known people in all three categories and I don’t want to be seen as being like any of them.
My boss and I had a little discussion this morning. We were both in tears. I don’t want to quit, but I don’t want to give up my self respect either (not to mention the $6,000 or $7,000 I think I am losing every year by not taking my pension!). She assured me I am nowhere near being in the same category as any of those people.
That is a relief but how do you know when it is time to go? My boss tells me she is a ‘nice person’. This is true but in this case that translates as she will bail me out until I have ruined my reputation and any positive legacy I may want to leave. Then I leave in disgrace. Going out under a cloud is not my cup of tea.
So, I have this decision to make. Stay or go. There are many people who would leave a job in an instant for a guaranteed, steady income and endless leisure. The thought of endless leisure terrifies me. Remember busy people are happier and live longer? I want to be one of those folks. That means plan b and plan c and as many alternative game plans as needed.
I guess I need to focus on what I can do as opposed to what I cannot do. I am doing more counseling and I am a decent teacher. I am still quite physically fit for my age. There are options in all those areas. And none of them requires the attention to visual detail my school job requires.
Other things? I love dogs and dogs love me. I love kids and kids love me, too. I could become a professional dog walker or a tutor or even just a ‘foster grandma’.
Very often we see our glass as half empty but actually it is quite full. It is just a matter of perspective.
So back to discussion questions: how do we know when it is time to give something up? A job, a car, whatever. Are the people we are depending on to help tough enough to tell you the truth or will they let you crash and burn?
And most importantly, what next for you? A social security web page I saw gave the life expectancy of a woman 65 today to be 86. Twenty one years is a long time to do nothing.
Cultivate the talents and interest you do have. Develop new ones. Good eyesight is a precious thing to have but it is not the only thing you have. Get going.
Written Jan. 9th, 2018