Tag: DBT

I Survived the Blizzard of ’17

I survived the blizzard of ‘17!

Not that big a deal but it sounds impressive.

Beastie Baby is generally beside herself, though. Her doggie door is snowed closed and she cannot go for her walk on the tractor path we often use. The snow is just about over her pointy, little head. All of the ‘pee mail’ she wants to answer is under two feet of snow.

Every time we go out she looks around at the snow and then looks at me as if to say “What is going on here? Where is my world?”

It would appear a number of people feel that way, too. Going through town my husband and I noticed dozens of houses that looked like no one had ventured out in the last 36 hours. No attempt at snow removal. No footprints. Nada. Closed until Spring.

Perhaps we are just the intrepid types. Sounds better than saying we are too dumb to get in out of a blizzard; yes? We were the only people to go to the recycling center. I had called. Really, I did. The message said open Wednesday 7 to 5, but it wasn’t. Open, that is. I asked the guy plowing if we could still sort and leave our recycling and he directed us to the back door. One job done.

I was going to write this page on the fine art of asking for a favor, but it turns out the rules in WikiHow are just about identical to the rules we went over in another page (Kicking and Screaming).

Then we were the only customers in Subway. The police came in as we were leaving, but they have to be out on the roads. They are always intrepid.

Then we were the only customers at AAA. When we walked in they were taking pictures of one another! I guess it was to commemorate the occasion of their all being intrepid souls and getting to work.

The online dictionary gives as synonyms for intrepid the following: fearless, unafraid, undaunted, unflinching, bold, etc. I think you’ve got the idea. The essential concept there is overcoming fear. Probably something we should cultivate in dealing with AMD.

Back to the web, I discovered an article entitled 33 Powerful Ways of Overcoming Fear….Right Now. The article runs down the usual suspects. You know, being aware you are afraid, identifying what you are afraid of, journaling, talk therapy. It also talks about some stuff I have never heard of like Emotional Freedom Technique and the Sedona Method. Unfortunately, you can get the ones I have never heard of for “only four monthly payments of….!” Ignore those. They are apparently the way the author pays for his site. Pay attention to the ones he offers for free. [Lin/Linda: You can actually check out the Sedona Method for free, click here.]

Remember, free is one of my favorite words.

Another online article I found was entitled 5 Sure-fire Ways to Overcome Fear and Anxiety Today. This article goes over the basics and uses some of the DBT techniques. It also has its own, catchy acronym: AWARE. This stands for accept, watch, act normally, repeat and expect the best. Accept is the same as DBT and watch is DBT’s observe. Watch/ observe allows you to get comfortable with the fear and the fear to extinguish. That is psychology talk for go away.

This page has gotten a little long. Maybe get back to this topic later. I am apparently going to have some time. Just got the call. No school again tomorrow!

Written March 15th, 2017 Continue reading “I Survived the Blizzard of ’17”

The More I Like My Dog

“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.” – Mark Twain

“When things go wrong, don’t go with them. ” Elvis Presley

I am still kvetching. I got the new washer. Then I had to replace a well pump at my first rental. I cannot complain about the longevity of the pump (just the price!), but the washer?

What happened to the days that major appliances lasted more than five years? What happened to pride in what you produce?

Thursday morning I was arguing with my second rental tenant via text. “Yes, you owe me at least four month’s rent. I need a check!” Twenty minutes later I get a phone call from a woman asking me to give him a credit reference! Amazing. Reality check. Why would you list someone you owe money to as a credit reference?

This morning I was rushing out to the van. I threw my iPad Mini into my rolling crate. Later when I looked for it at the office, it was nowhere to be found. I am sick about this. There were photos and a lot of apps on that machine. The dispatcher at the transportation company could not have cared less. Would it have killed him to FAKE some sympathy? What happened to customer service?

As much as I generally love and praise people, there are some times I dislike them quite a bit. Quite a bit. Have a series of less than happy encounters and you can be rolling downhill on a slippery slope.

I have talked about the DBT concept of turning the mind a little bit but not in-depth. Turning the mind is a distress tolerance skill. It involves making the conscious choice to turn towards acceptance of a bad situation (acceptance being the first step towards change) or simply to turn towards positive functioning. A 2006 study found that approximately 40% of happiness may be determined by intentionally engaging in positive thoughts and activities. A statistic like that makes taking the happy path look pretty appealing. Even when you are not feeling it.

Realizing I was in a foul mood – and there being fresh snow! This weather is so flippin’ weird – I put on my cross-country skis and tried to ski. Very wet snow so I was sticking badly. A couple of times I had ‘platform skis’ with three inches of snow stuck to the bottom! Back to the house for the silicon spray and a second attempt.

This is another aspect of turning the mind: it doesn’t just happen once. Every time you come to a decision point, somewhere you could spiral down or turn towards acceptance and the more positive adjustment, you have to choose all over again. Again and again and again. Health is a choice we have to keep making over and over again.

So I accepted the snow was very wet and I needed silicon spray. Lots of spray and a few passes along the same path and I was doing my version of zipping along. No spray and no trail breaking? That would be not accepting reality and no zipping along. Zippy is good. Trying to move on ‘platform skis’ is not.

My tablet? I haven’t totally given up. I am going to talk to the drivers but I ordered a new one. The reality is mine is nowhere to be found. Not accepting that means no apps that I need to help me out. Accepting it may be gone allows me to try to solve the problem.

People? Oh, might as well accept it. Lots of them are idiots. Didn’t you know? ?

P.S. You can set up your iPad so it can send you an SOS when it is lost or stolen. It is in the systems menu. I will do that with the new one!  [Lin/Linda here: you do have to set this up BEFORE you loose your iPhone or iPad.  Click here for those instructions and also how to use the Find My iPhone app.  You can do something similar with Android devices, click here for more information.] Continue reading “The More I Like My Dog”

The Truth Is Out There

Another Saturday afternoon that I don’t feel like doing a cursed thing. In DBT this week we talked about not discounting positives in life. To practice what I preach I would have to say I exercised, fed and walked the dog, cleaned up and fed myself. I have tried to do dishes in the dishwasher but the top rack stuff did not get clean. Last time this happened, I poured a whole bottle of vinegar in the bottom of the machine and let it sit over night. The acid ate whatever was gunking up the works.

Hey, housekeeping tip!  We aim to cover all possible topics. Even those I know little about!

I continue to look for an answer to how many degrees of arc make up a central vision loss. Dr. William Goldberg in A Guide to Understanding Your Peripheral Vision says a normal visual field is 170 degrees. That is almost half a circle. Of that, 100 degrees are peripheral vision. 70 degrees are central vision. If you think of a protractor, that would take a pretty good chunk out of the middle, but you would still have 50 degrees of arc on either side of that wedge. Not as bad as some representations I have seen.

No clue if I am figuring this out correctly, but it’s a place to start. I asked the representative from the International Macular and Retinal Association the answer and she did not know either. She is going  to ask around.

Peripheral vision is broken up in three sections: far, middle and near. When we pick a preferred focal point for eccentric viewing, we naturally try to pick a place in the near peripheral. Color vision and discrimination are worse on the edges.

I have a couple of more in-depth articles to read on that. To be continued.

Still interested in the Nat Geo article on ending blindness. I learned all sorts of stuff about the eye. Did you know the eye is the only place you can look right at the brain without drilling a hole?  Eyes are a part of the brain!  During fetal development the eyes grow away from the brain, sort of like on stalks; maybe? The stalks analogy was mine.

Eyes, like the brain, are immune privileged. That means it does not have a strong immune response to ‘invaders’. You want to try a new treatment and don’t want the immune system to go crazy? Try it in the eye. Having the ‘perfect’ place means all sorts of studies can be done in the eye. More experiments mean more chances of finding cures. Stem cells and gene therapies all have a better chance of working in the eye so why not start with trying to cure an eye disease? Great idea!

One more time, if we have to be losing our sight, this is the best time in the history of man to be doing it. Keep the faith. To quote Mulder and Scully, “the truth is out there”. We are hot on its trail! Continue reading “The Truth Is Out There”

“Yes, but…”

Hey, there! The good news is I seem to be on the road to recovery! My husband says it is because I rested like he said. My exercise-addicted friend says it is because of the fresh air and exercise I got this morning – cross-country skiing at the park! – and I think it might be both of those plus the cold/sinus medication I have been taking.

Combination of the old and the new. Best of both worlds.

More good news for me is I get to teach for another 12 weeks. It has been a couple of years since I taught distress tolerance so we decided to switch it up.

The ‘little boss’ suggested it. She is getting frustrated I have been waiting so long for the clinical trial. (I can sort of understand the sentiment.) Anyway, her thought was use me while they have me. Either I might have to spend time in Philly – or I might get very blind! Good first thought. The second one…

And guess where that leads me? Yep. My topic for this page.

I have done two pages on being unmindful of problems. DBT teaches us not to ruin the moment by worrying about when a positive situation is going to end. We are not to worry about whether or not we deserve it or what will be expected in return. (Don’t worry. A side benefit of my teaching a different module is I will be reminded of different topics!)

Whenever I ask in class how many people are masters of the “Yes, but” comment, 3/4s or so of them sheepishly laugh and raise their hands.

Let me tell you something: the rest of them are lying! I don’t think I know anyone who can say he doesn’t fall into that trap.

“Yes, but” has become so common some business publications have written about it as a syndrome. Somebody suggests a solution and we shoot it down. Someone says how well something is going and we doom and gloom him about what may happen next. What is happening here?

Because they are coming at it from a business angle, the publications say it is fear of stepping out of our comfort zones that causes “yes, but” syndrome. They say people reject brainstorming ideas because they are scary. Fear of innovation or more work or some such a thing.

All very possible in that sense. But how about people just in daily life? I, of course, have a theory. Not sure it is original, probably not. I did not look it up so if you know that this is so-and-so’s theory of whatever, let me know and I will credit him.

Anyway, my theory is we are trying to let ourselves down easy. What do you think? Does that ring true? I don’t want the gut wrenching drop when this is over, so I will keep reminding myself it is coming? I will let myself down in stages.

Problem is, do we want to diminish our good times like that? Why not savor them? Drink them dry and have the positives to remember!

Sound like a plan? Yes, and… Continue reading ““Yes, but…””

Stop Smoking Now!

This might be turning into the bad habit series for these pages. After doing the page on high BMIs and increase AMD risk, I looked up ‘hot topics + AMD’ and found smoking listed as numero uno. OK. Smoking it is.

I don’t smoke. Never did. It smells and is ridiculously expensive. Worse yet, it is bad for your health. And when I say health, I am including eye health.

BrightFocus Foundation in Smoking and Age-Related Macular Degeneration says smoking brings oxidants into the body. Chemicals can also damage cells. This activates the immune system which can further damage your eyes. These are ways cigarette smoke can increase your risk of AMD. I am sure you have heard cigarette smoking is the largest, modifiable risk factor for AMD. Those are the reasons why it is such a risk.

At least 4 of the Marlboro men died of lung cancer

The problem is it is hard to quit smoking! You have been doing it for years. Many of you remember the coolest commercials on TV were cigarette ads. Remember the Marlboro man? How about Joe Camel? And ladies, how can we forget those long, sleek, sophisticated women who sold us Virginia Slims. Could Joe Camel have steered us wrong all those years ago? Let’s just say Madison Avenue certainly did a number on us!

Anyway, no one ever showed us the Marlboro man using a white cane and hacking a lung out, so we believed the ads. Lots of us smoked and became addicted.

If you have AMD or live with someone who has AMD, you have been told to stop smoking. Quit.com has a whole list of suggestions on how to do this. They are reasonably good. For example, one of them even goes back to one of my favorite psychological theorists, Viktor Frankl, when it says know your reasons for quitting. Remember Frankl said if we have a why, we can endure any how? (“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.”) Great philosophy turns up in the damnedest places.

I would add a few more from my DBT distress tolerance toolbox. Stop being sorry for yourself. Be mindful and practice gratitude. Be willing, not willful.

You are totally right. Life is not fair and now they really are trying to take away your one bad habit. It is for your own good. Stop dwelling on what “they” are taking away and think about all you have. Get involved. Substitute some fun activities for smoking, or better yet, do for someone else. Turn your mind. Continue reading “Stop Smoking Now!”

Mind & Body

Several times I have mentioned I am back to teaching the emotional regulation module for DBT. We have a great class and I love teaching. This is one of the directions I hope to go in when I am no longer able to do psychological testing. Teaching is easier on the eyes. Hope for the best.

Plan for the worst and planning for the worst includes finding rewarding things to do ‘after’. Do not leave yourself without viable options.

Anyway, getting off the soapbox and getting behind the lectern…I started on the topic of sensing today. Many of you may remember back when people talked about the mind/body dichotomy. Back in 16-something or other the philosopher Rene Descartes proposed a theory that said mind and body are so very different there was no way they could truly interact.

Old Rene had a very good run but back in the 1990s scientists were discovering mind and body are not distinct at all! In fact, there is an elegant feedback system between mind and body. Enter the concept of sensing.

Marsha Linehan refers to sensing as being aware of your body and brain changes. Sensing body and brain changes is experiencing emotions. Why is that? Because Linehan believes emotions are actually changes in your brain and your body.

Linehan includes sensing as a way of identifying emotion. As a way of identifying emotion it works well. At least one study has shown emotional reactions are hard-wired and people all over the world say they experience the same emotions in their bodies in the same way. Have a certain set of bodily sensations and you can usually name the emotion that goes with them.

Linehan also suggests being an observer of yourself. Notice how your postures and mannerisms express your emotions, often without you even being aware.

Ever have an obstinate three-year-old in your presence? Did he cross his arms and hunch his shoulders? He was defending and no one was changing his mind!

But you know what is wonderful about postures? They can be changed and by changing postures emotions can be changed.

DBT – as well as many other sources, see Amy Cuddy’s TED talk about how your body language shapes who you are – believes one of the ways we can influence our emotions is by altering our body language. It is sort of a postural opposite to emotion. Find yourself slumping? Sit up! Find yourself in a closed posture? Open up! An act as simple as sitting up in your chair can improve your feelings of personal power. Uncrossing your arms can make you more willing to listen to a different point of view. It is magic in a little postural adjustment. Cool.

People ask what they can do to improve their moods when they are depressed over their diagnosis. I recommend education, support groups, therapy, exercise, etc. But if all that seems too much? Sit up! Like I said, there is magic in a little bit of postural adjustment. Be your own magician. It works. Continue reading “Mind & Body”

Is Insight Overrated?

Today was DBT class again. I taught some thoughts about emotions. One of them was that emotions love themselves.

This is an important point to understand. Emotions are self-perpetuating. They want to stay around as long as possible. Doesn’t matter if it is a pleasurable emotion such as happiness or a not-so-pleasant emotion such as anger. That emotion wants to be with you for a long, long time.

Think about this and you know it is true. When you are happy, you can tolerate all sorts of negative things. Nothing is going to dampen your spirits.

But what if you are unhappy? It can be the best day of the entire year and you never notice. The sun hurts your eyes and the birds are singing off-key! You won $10,000 but it should have been $100,000. Nothing ever goes your way!

Things get more interesting when you add other people to the mix. Being annoyed with one person – he is so grumpy! I can’t stand people! – can lead you to being annoyed with the next person. When that person gets tired of being snapped at for no reason and snaps back? Aha! Confirmation! I should be irritated. All people really are idiots!

In other words, emotions can set the stage so you unwittingly help keep them going. Emotions organize thoughts and behaviors in such a way that they are reinforced. Neat trick.

There is one tried and true DBT skill that can deal with emotions trying to self-perpetuate. This skill is opposite to emotion. Some examples of this would be putting on upbeat dance music when your sadness is telling you that you should listen to a dirge or starting a project when you have no motivation. Opposite to emotion can stop your downward spiral and get you going up again.

It is important not to spiral too far down. You don’t want your negative feelings to become strong enough to become a mood, your usual way of feeling and responding.

It is also important not to forget that emotions are contagious just like the flu. Hanging around people with a positive attitude can bring you up while being with people who moan and complain all of the time can really bring you down. That means you need to pick your associates carefully. Did you ever hear the saying “lie down with dogs and get up with fleas?” Negative emotions in this case are the fleas!

And on a sort of parallel topic, if you want to avoid perpetuating a depressed mood, it is probably a good idea not to get so introspective. In a slightly old study, Lyubomirsky and Nolen-Hoeksema (1993) discovered people who ruminated on their problems in an attempt to understand themselves were resistant to positive distractions like opposite to emotion even when they believed it would elevate their moods.

The conclusion? Sometimes insight is way overrated! It is much more productive to just go and have fun.

To reiterate: emotions love themselves and will try to set things up so they stay around for a long time. The best way to solve the problem is opposite to emotion. Continue reading “Is Insight Overrated?”

Accentuate the Positive

Should and must. Must and should. I should have written this page weeks ago before the holidays. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 and I just need to accept I did not think of it. Nobody is perfect.

Sometimes I get out of sorts with my husband’s approach to life. As social as I am, he is reclusive. I like to do. He likes to relax. Causes a little tension. Especially now since my wings have been clipped and I am dependent upon drivers.

Lin made the comment it is too bad holidays cause such stress and conflict. They ‘should’ be fun. They are ‘supposed to’ be good family times. Oh my. Guess who got a page idea out of that!

Expectations of great times are really rife with potential booby-traps. It is hard for real life to meet expectations we may have. I don’t know about you, but I don’t live in a Norman Rockwell painting. My life is certainly not ready for the cover of Life magazine! Having expectations worthy of Norman will lead to disappointment the great majority of the time. Like 99% for example.

Karyn Hall wrote a list of holiday coping ideas in the aptly titled Coping Ahead for the Holidays. She points out beliefs can really mess us up. DBT calls these myths. Things like “Other families have conflict free holidays. We need to, too.” Yeah. Right.

Hall also suggested we watch where we focus our attention. You want to know what is going wrong? Oh boy, can I tell you!  What is going right doesn’t get as much attention. Maybe I should turn that around.

Then there is acting according to your values. Shakespeare said it well. “To thy own self be true.” If it is not ‘you’ or something you value, maybe it should not be your goal.

Do less is another one of Hall’s suggestions. This is a holiday, not a competition. When there are articles and even a movie about ‘surviving’ the holidays, there is something wrong!

Hall’s fifth point is practice gratitude. That goes along with paying attention to the positive. If you make a conscious effort to be grateful, you have to make an effort to find something to be grateful about. “Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative ….and don’t mess with Mr. In-between. Dum, dee, dum, dee, dum”
(Johnny Mercer, 1945) ….sorry. Got into a little swing dancing there?. World War II music was fun and upbeat for a reason.

Hall’s last point was to have a plan for what you know are going to be the rough spots. Sit home and twiddle my thumbs? Heck, no! I have lined up some activities with like-minded folks so I don’t have to choose between sitting home being miserable or hauling my husband around and making him miserable. Foresee the problems and fix them ahead of time.

So that is coping for the holidays. Sorry it was a little late. Surviving the holidays can be rough for anyone but it can be harder for us folks with ‘challenges’.  Hopefully these few simple ideas will make things better next year. Continue reading “Accentuate the Positive”

A Life Worth Living

Friday morning. We have gotten to the end of another week. Yippee!

My attitude towards work is a dialectic. (Back to teaching DBT so I am thinking along those lines.) The woman who fought hard to get back to work is the same one who says TGIF.

I sometimes wonder about myself. When the alarm goes off entirely too early, my first thought is “There has got to be a better way.” Could that be true? Is there a better way?

The purpose of DBT, as I discussed, is to have a life worth living. What do I consider – or what do you consider – to be a life worth living?

Speaking for myself, physical health is the bedrock. Someone a million years ago said that “if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything”. I believe him. I exercise and use the body. That component of my life will have to stay.

Socialization is absolutely necessary for me. I go a little crazy when I am not out and about. I have the exercise community. Friends. I have people at work. I imagine I could get away with leaving my jobs and those people but I know I would have to find extra socialization opportunities. Maybe volunteer.

A life worth living to me also means the ability to go different places and have different experiences. That means not only having health but having money. I could probably get away with not working but my friend the accountant keeps talking to me about inflation and the shrinking value of the dollar. Would I have enough money to not only keep us in the style to which we have become accustomed but also to fund my wanderlust and love of the challenge?

Never knew it but I may be a ‘vitalist’. (I always thought people were right when they said I was a nut!). Found a quote I like: “Without being aware, I think I was being indoctrinated into what was called vitalism,the idea that what makes life worth living, the good life, consists of accepting challenges, solving problems,discovery, personal growth, personal change.” – Edmund Phelps. (economist, Nobel prize winner – don’t worry. I looked it up.)

I am a bulldog. I am relentless. I get a serious kick out of the quest. Right now most of those challenges come from work. I might be able to find some in this work, what is looking more and more like education and advocacy for AMD folks, but I am not sure it would be enough.

Add to all of that needs to continue to learn, to be in nature and to be with animals and you have the elements of my life worth living. Right now that list is telling me I should continue to work. Later, when I cannot work any longer, it will be a guide to structuring what I want in my ‘new’ life.

Here come the thought questions:

What constitutes your life worth living?
How can you have those things even with AMD, maybe blindness?

Think about it.

Continue reading “A Life Worth Living”

Life Is Like An Ice Cream Cone

Back to teaching Wednesday. We have a core group that has been with us for a while so I like to infuse a little extra information at times. Keep things fresher. I found something about dialectic thought but it is pretty dense. I am in need of thinning it out and writing a practice lesson….Yep. You got it. Thank you for ‘volunteering’ to be my guinea pigs! ::grin::

Dialectic thinking. Dialectics are not debate. While debate has as its goal victory for one party or another,  the purpose of a dialectic discussion is to find the truth. Dialectics looks for this truth in the arguments of the people who are presenting differing viewpoints. The reason for this is twofold. First of all, whether we realize it or not, even the most adamantly held position contains elements of and is defined by the opposite concept. You cannot say the room is cold without considering the concept of warmth. Also, the conflict allows us to be exposed to and become aware of the opposite concept, therefore opening the door to change.

How do you like them apples?!?!

Since these are supposed to be AMD pages, let me try to think of an AMD example. How about the standard one that goes something like this: when you were first diagnosed you may have thought your life was over. What is the purpose of life if I cannot see it? Your spouse may have poo pooed your concerns. We will be fine. Not much is going to change.

Now you could have had a debate. I suspect feeling the way you may have felt then you would have had a hard time believing things might be alright. However, by arguing about what a life worth living might be, you compared what you thought you would have to your ideal and realized some things would not change. Chocolate ice cream is still delicious even if you cannot see it so well! Your spouse compared his concept of a life worth living to the life you would be living and also modified his view. No, you would not be able to jump in the car and go for that ice cream cone whenever you wanted. The truth was not black and white. It was somewhere in the middle.

I found a good quote. Mary Parker Follett, who apparently writes about management said “we should never let ourselves be bullied by either-or.” Using my ice cream metaphor, you chocolate lovers may be dreading a plain vanilla existence. Your spouse may think chocolate will always be available to you but the truth may be a large twist cone. Definitely not either-or.

Now, if we start to see other possibilities in life, we start to question our shoulds and our routines. We may really look at what we are doing and become mindful (there is that word again) of what we are doing and how we are doing it.  Being aware of what we are doing gives us the option to change it. I want rainbow sprinkles on that twist cone! And that gives us the opportunity for spontaneity. Which is actually sort of a dialectic by the way.

So, there you go. Dialectic thinking redux. Make any sense?

Continue reading “Life Is Like An Ice Cream Cone”

Permission to Feel

Life is crazy and destined to get crazier. We have had a therapist leave the practice unexpectedly. Everyone is being asked to take up some of the slack. It seems as if every kid who is in the school is on my list to be seen. Today I got lunch at 3:30. I was ‘flying’ by the end of the day. I guess it is a good thing I start teaching emotional regulation soon!

Emotional regulation involves keeping your balance when everyone else is losing his. I have read emotional regulation is the ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience within a range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable and sufficiently flexible to permit spontaneous reactions as well as the ability to delay spontaneous reactions as needed.

Whoa. That was a mouthful.

First of all, I stole that but I have no idea where I got it. If it belongs to you, let me know and I will give you credit.

Second of all, what the hey does it mean? We shall begin at the beginning…

  • …Ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience… When something happens in life, can you do something about it? What is your reaction? We are ‘allowed’ to respond to what happens to us, good and bad.
  • …With the range of emotion. Emotional regulation does not mean we don’t feel. It does not mean there are emotions that are ‘bad’ and we are not supposed to feel. The full range of emotions is acceptable. We are also allowed to express all emotions as well as feel them.
  • …In a manner that is socially tolerable. In a nutshell there are ways to express emotion and ways not to do it. We are not going to do ourselves any good if we become so expressive we alienate people.
  • …Sufficiently flexible to permit spontaneous reactions. We are not so controlled we cannot react with spontaneity. Emotional regulation does not mean we are robots and have to follow a script.
  • …The ability to delay spontaneous reactions as needed. Let’s face it: there are appropriate and inappropriate times to express ourselves. It is not all about us and how we are feeling. Sometimes our moment comes later.

So what does this have to do with AMD? Many of you – like me – have had a pretty significant emotional reaction to your AMD diagnosis. We are ‘allowed’ to express the full range of emotions about that.

Don’t listen to those who say you should not feel what you are feeling. Don’t tell yourself it is wrong to have an emotion. All emotions are acceptable.

The amendment to that is your expression of emotion should not be so intense you act in socially unacceptable ways. Other people have their rights and this includes the right not to have to deal with someone who is crazy out of control. Like I said before, alienating people is counterproductive especially when you are looking for social support.

Lastly, we want to be able to respond to our emotions both positive and negative. However we do not want to be seen as drama queens always hogging the limelight. Other people have their needs. Some of them may be more urgent than ours.

So that is the thinking behind emotional regulation. To summarize: all emotions are acceptable. There are no wrong emotions. We are ‘allowed’ to experience emotions but should try to regulate their expression. Overburdening or abusing others with emotional expression – read freaking out, if you will – is not appropriate. It is also not helpful.

And that is my intro to emotional regulation. I start again in the classroom next week so I may add more…or not. ::grin::

Continue reading “Permission to Feel”

The Holiday Blues

My assignment is to talk about depression, specifically the ‘holiday blues’. I am going to go in the back door on this one, so bear with me.

My 25th birthday was the worst birthday I have ever had. I had it in my head successful people had it all together by age 25. Successful 25 year olds have jobs, spouses, houses. I had none of these things. In my head, I was a failure.

Relevance? I would suspect every one of you who is down about the holidays like I was down about my birthday is operating under a whole slew of myths.

Myths in DBT parlance are stories we have come to believe simply because it seems they have always been there. We assume they are valid because they are part of us. They are the ways we think things are. Period. The end.

So what are you telling yourself about the holidays that is getting you so down? My first guess would be something to do with holidays and family, yes? The traditional meaning of family is a bunch of people related by blood. If you don’t have blood relatives surrounding you, you cannot have a holiday; right?

I don’t think so. I have no siblings and no children. I have no cousins on one side and I am estranged from cousins on the other. Some people would call that tragic. For me, forgive me if I offend, it has been liberating.

I have been able to build my ‘family’ with the people I want. I spend my time with people I enjoy. You don’t have to have blood relatives to have family.

Thanksgiving day I have a dinner engagement with a friend. (Hubby is having a tooth pulled the day before. Ouch.) Whom could you have time with? It does not have to be on the actual holiday. That is just an arbitrary date on the calendar.

This person does not even have to be an established friend. You could go to an activity you enjoy. The day after Thanksgiving the Y is having back-to-back classes. I will be there for two or three of those, along with my fitness ‘family’. We are looking forward to it. What could you plan that you can look forward to?

There are as many myths out there as there are people to entertain them. What are some of the myths you entertain? How about “I need to do everything I always have done for my family! It won’t be a holiday unless I prepare a four course meal!” or how about “we can’t  have a real holiday on a fixed income!”

CNN has an article about 4 things you can do about the holiday blues. They are pretty basic but they work:

Seek social support, exercise, don’t compare yourself to others, and reframe your thinking. There’s more about these in the CNN article.

Finally, I would not be a DBT instructor if I did not remind you of the distress tolerance skills. Refer back to ACCEPTS in the archives. It does work. Continue reading “The Holiday Blues”

Bingo!

I just came from a three-hour, Bingo benefit for the teacher who has cancer. It was an excellent turn-out. 150 people. There were 75 items for the raffle. This is a good area with good people.

Comparison skill. Remember ACCEPTS of distress tolerance?  People do not have to help me pay my bills so I can concentrate on trying to save my life. I am a ‘mature’ (yeah, sure) adult who could retire on state teachers’ disability and social security now if needed. Life waited to bite me in the butt.

And compared to what she has going on, AMD is a little nip. Comparatively speaking, I am just great!

Second distress tolerance skill: contribute. I paid my $20 and played Bingo. I spent $10 on raffle tickets. The same raffle tickets I had actually purchased and donated. Contributing is a way of forgetting things are not so great for you either. It also makes you feel like you are in the fight, even if it is not your particular battle. In other words, I cannot cure my eye problems, but I can help this teacher get travel money and grocery money and whatever she might need to pursue her cure.

To quote from the Mental Health Foundation, altruism is associated with all sorts of positive things. They include a decreased sense of hopelessness, less depression, increased self-esteem and better physical health. Altruistic people even have better marriages.

Berkleywellness.com tells us altruistic people have longer lives than people who do not practice helping and giving. Some of the theorists thought this was due totally to the social engagement factor.  Not so. Just the interaction is helpful, yes, but at the end of day, being the one doing the helping has the greater benefit. Something to do with having a purpose in life. We circled back around to Viktor Frankl again. Remember “if you have a why, you can tolerate any how”?

So altruism is good stuff. Now moving on to perhaps more frivolous topics, I put an Ott light at the end of my ironing board. I think I am doing better in seeing colors with the increased illumination. At least I matched today. Hopefully this fix will work for a while. I hate being mismatched!

Bingo. I had not played in years but it went OK. Most of the time I was playing four cards at one time. My friend was sort of looking over my shoulder. In 20 games she corrected me one time. Not too bad.

We used the disposable, paper cards and dabbers. I could see the numbers with bare eyes but I experimented and my handheld reader would have been an option as well. Not so much the magnifier on the iPad. For that I would have had to bring the Justand. Too many wobbles over three hours.

One of the issues I had was dealing with the different layouts of each card. Having a few cards that were consistent game to game would have been nice. I looked guess where [Lin/Linda here: starts with an a, followed by amazon.com ::smile::] and large print Bingo cards are about $4 apiece. You can also avoid the Bingo chips sliding dilemma by paying significantly more and getting a plastic board with sliding panels on each number. I cannot believe anyone would object to your bringing your own cards. It is not cheating.

So how did I do? I did not go “Bingo!” but I did win a turkey fryer in the raffle. I brought it home to my husband but he doesn’t want it. Probably re-gift it to another raffle. Does THAT come under the heading of altruism? Maybe not. Continue reading “Bingo!”

Name That Emotion, the Prequel!

I admit it. Occasionally the mind – shall we say – slips. I swear I wrote this page to come before the one on naming emotions we just published. Lin says no. My search engines say no. Apparently the answer is…no. I was delusional.

So, here it is….Name that Emotion, the Prequel!

Emotional regulation a la DBT says we need to know what we feel before we can regulate it. DBT also recognizes many people are out of touch with themselves and do not know what they are feeling. Thus, DBT teaches how to recognize emotions.

The way this is done is by being an emotion detective. We need to look at the situation in which we had the mystery emotion. What emotion do you think other people would experience under those circumstances? That is your first clue.

Next comes your interpretation of the event. Believe me; nothing is ever straightforward! Depending upon what thoughts are going on in the other person’s head and what memories and interpretations you are stirring up, just saying “nice day, it’s it?” can get you in a load of trouble! Those interconnections we make to things are important.

paperdolls
Body maps highlighting emotions and their corresponding bodily sensation patterns

Third step:  your head may not know what you are feeling, but your body does! A 2013 study published in PNAS indicated people across a variety of cultures all colored their ’emotional paper dolls’ (my term) pretty much the same way. Depression felt heavy in the arms and legs. Pride swelled the chest. The article offers examples of a number of different feelings all mapped out on the ‘paper dolls’.

What is cool about this is the fact that emotions are not cultural. They are universal to the species and we feel them pretty much all the same way. (I am resisting the urge to type the words to “It’s a Small World” here…but it is). If we all experience emotions in our body pretty much the same way, that means we can all scan our bodies to decide what we are feeling.

The last thing we need to do is to look at the aftermath of the emotion. Different emotions have different impulses attached to them. These are what are called ‘action urges’. So, if you say you are looking forward to spending the day with great-aunt Tillie and you are constantly late? You are deluding yourself and probably don’t like spending time with the old girl. The after effects of situations are very telling, too.

And that is pretty much how we can help ourselves identify what we are feeling. Identifying true emotions is a good thing. Being emotionally aware can lead to more stable relationships and better problem-solving strategies.

There are also some really cool neurocognitive benefits of being able to recognize and label your emotions. I will cover these on the next page. Ooops! I already did!

Continue reading “Name That Emotion, the Prequel!”

The Meaning of Life

“To decide whether life is worth living is to answer the fundamental question of philosophy.” – Albert Camus

How do you like THAT for an opening?

I have two intakes for new DBT students this week. I start teaching again in about five weeks. It has gotten my head thinking of how to vary my presentation a bit.

I realized I have not emphasized the stated goal of DBT training. It is to help people create a life worth living. When I looked up “life worth living” I found Camus. Whoa. Heavy. Deep.

Camus – apparently, I have never read his work –  talks about the biggies. He questions who we are, where and even whether we can find meaning (remember Viktor Frankl?)  and what we can really know about ourselves and the world. Like I said: Heavy. Very deep.

Let’s paddle back up to the shallow end of the pool and see how any of this might relate to us and DBT. What I found was a sort of superficial resemblance. DBT does not hit the existential questions. After skimming a lot of articles I pretty much decided a life worth living in DBT terms is whatever you decide it should be! Whatever floats your boat. Whatever makes you happy. You get the drift.

The thing is, DBT was devised to help some pretty desperate people. These were and are people who have lives so out of control they have been repeatedly suicidal. They have discovered the skills they do have do not work in the greater world. They are pretty much adrift…..and I am using a LOT of water references!

The thought of being rudderless (giggle, giggle. Forgive me. I know I am shameless) brought me to a bit of an epiphany: DBT is about putting the client in control of his own life! It teaches skill in the important areas (at least to Linehan). DBT teaches control of your own mental and emotional being through mindfulness. It further teaches emotional self-control through emotional regulation. Clients gain power over their social relationships through interpersonal effectiveness and they learn to weather the storm better through distress tolerance. All pretty good stuff. Where it takes you is up to you and what you value.

The question then, I assume, becomes a question not of the meaning of life but of how we can meet our own personal goals so we can get satisfaction out of life.

Another quote:

“There may be constraints on what your life can look like, but there are no constraints on whether your life is worth living.” – Marsha Linehan

In other words, we may not be able to accomplish everything we used to or would like to accomplish with AMD but we can find ways to control our beings and relationship with the world. We can still get some satisfaction out of life. Still want to BE here. DBT teaches many of the skills we need to have that happen.

Another quote (actually a quote of a paraphrase):
“The demand for happiness and the patient quest of it….isn’t a luxury or a mere need but an existential duty.” (Brian Pickings paraphrasing Camus)

There it is. Go out and seek a life worth living even with your limitations. You would not want to disappoint Camus; would you? Continue reading “The Meaning of Life”

Grandma’s Reindeer

This time next week I am supposed to be on a plane to Reykjavik. First thing I want you to notice is in the last week I have learned how to spell Reykjavik correctly. The second thing I want you to note is in real-time it is the end of August and Iceland just had two reasonably substantial earthquakes ….and they expect a volcanic eruption in the near future.

My husband thinks this is utterly cool. He would like a front seat to an apocalypse. I would like to see an eruption as long as nothing gets hurt. You know, like in a movie: no animals were killed or injured in the making of this extravaganza.

With my luck, I will be in the way when the caribou decide to make a mad dash for it. You know the song about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer? Yep. That would be me.

Besides thinking about living a bad Christmas song, I have been thinking about everything that has to be done before I leave. I have work to finish at two places of employment. I need to go to the pharmacy and the bank. The list of things I want to see in Iceland is only half done. Packing has hardly been given a thought, etc, etc.

It is enough to make a girl crawl into a fetal position in the corner and hyperventilate….which reminded me. I told you I had had panic attacks when this mess first started but we never really talked about the ‘delightful’ things. According to the Mayo Clinic a panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions. They happen in the absence of any obvious danger and often come “out of the blue”. There is no good theory for why some people have panic attacks and others don’t. There are theories about genetics and temperament. Major life changes, stress or trauma can put you at risk for panic attacks.

I never had one until I started to lose my vision. Then I had a time I was having four or five a day. Symptoms included a lot of autonomic nervous system stuff like rapid heart rate and hyperventilating not to mention the feeling of impending doom and fear. Like I said, ‘delightful’.

I treated mine with good drugs. If you are having panic attacks, run, don’t walk to your doctor for anxiety medication. Many of you won’t need to be on the medication for the rest of your lives and, if you do, so what? It is better than waking up screaming three and four times a night like I was.

Other treatments? Psychotherapy is helpful. The emotional regulation component of DBT, including all aspects of physical regulation, is useful. Remember to stay active and try to get enough sleep. The ubiquitous mindfulness meditation is also beneficial.

And speaking of sleep, it is time for me to toddle off to bed. I got a lot done today and have a lot to do. Still, all things in moderation. If I pace myself, I can get it done.

Oh, and the volcanic eruption and the reindeer and all that? No sense worrying about the future. It distracts you from the now. The volcano will erupt if it chooses, but if it doesn’t? My husband will be really disappointed.

written 8/31/2016

Continue reading “Grandma’s Reindeer”

Duck or Rabbit?

This week we went over describe skills in DBT class. Believe it or not JUST describing is tough! I put a picture of a bedroom with toys and clothes covering every available surface on the screen and ask the class to describe it. Instead of descriptions I often get a bunch of judgments. Messy, chaotic…I also get ‘should on- a phrase courtesy of Albert Ellis -and told how no child ‘should’ be allowed to keep a room like that!

Judgments and all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ can get in the way. They get in the way of just plain seeing what is there. They get in the way of accepting what is and dealing with it. Thus, sometimes we just need to describe without judgment or rules.

drawing of an optical illusion which can be seen as a duck or a rabbit.
drawing of an optical illusion which can be seen as a duck or a rabbit.

How do judgments and rules get in the way of seeing what is there? One way is to give us some preconceived notions of what we should see. Another exercise I do is give each student a card with a word on it, duck or rabbit. Then I show an old German drawing of the duck/rabbit. Most of the time people see what was on their cards. The opposite possibility has to be pointed out! When I plant a notion in their minds, that is the only way they can interpret what they see. Pretty limiting, yes?

Although we do the exercises with exterior, concrete things, they can be done with bodily sensations and emotions as well. There are some emotions people do not believe are good (judgment) or that they are allowed (should-ing) to have.

For example, let’s take fear. “Wimps are afraid of a little thing like fuzzy vision! I am a (fill in the blank e.g. war veteran, ex-cop, mother of four boys) and, let me tell you, nothing scares me!” Having that mind set may keep people from seeing what else is going on between their own two ears. That is in the lower parts of the brain, the emotional center.

So, since one cannot address what one cannot recognize and acknowledge, what is the game plan here? (Because we know THAT attitude is a bunch of crap. Whistling in the graveyard, although sometimes there is a place for whistling in the graveyard. See opposite to emotion).

The answer to the question I posed above that lengthy parenthetical phrase? Describe! Queasy stomach that feels like I ate a rock, heart pounding, shallow breath. Damn, that IS fear!

And now we have circled back to acceptance and change, the stalwart concepts of DBT. You cannot accept what you refuse to perceive. You perceive what is really there by describing it without the interference of judgment or rules.

Thus endth another lesson. Try the duck/rabbit on somebody. It’s sort of cool! Continue reading “Duck or Rabbit?”

In the Moment

I just read a comment that said the writer hoped I would address “staying in the moment”. What does staying in the moment mean? It is actually a pretty self-explanatory phrase. It means not living in the past or the future. It means living in the now. We are talking about being present in the present.

To quote: “living in the moment is a state of active, open intentional attention to the present.” Not sure whom I am quoting. It came up on a google search with no reference but I liked it. If it is yours, nice job!

What I liked about it were the words active and intentional. These days, the age of distraction, it takes both action and intention to stay focused on what is happening now.

Do a little experiment. Just for fun, keep a tally of how many times a day you live in the past. Tally up both good memories and regrets. Then keep a tally of how often you think about the future. Plans, yes, but the big one you should concentrate on is worry. How many times a day do you worry? Ouch? I thought that might be the case.

Now just for fun try to be present in your environment. Really notice. In DBT speak this is called observe. When you observe you are not supposed to judge but for the exercise, tally up the good things you have in the present. They can be small. For example, right now for me it is dusk. The birds are calling and the insects have started to make their night noises. Good things I like to hear. They would get a tally.

Now the big question: would you have noticed these things if you had not been challenged to do this exercise? My guess is no. What would you have thought about instead? Worries?

People sometimes ask how I can be so happy knowing I will someday go blind. I tell them I try not to think about it. Active and intentional attention to what is happening now is something I try to cultivate. Right now there is still much I can see. Why ignore the beauty of my world worrying about someday not seeing it? If I do that, I have made myself blind. The disease may do it in the future but I would be doing it to myself now in the present.

Yesterday is but a dream. Tomorrow is only a vision. But today well-lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. – Kalidasa

Go live today….mindfully, actively, intentionally. Continue reading “In the Moment”

Teflon Mind

Good afternoon!  It is finally what I consider to be a ‘good’ summer temperature here….about 90 F. I was motivated to move my ‘office’ – CCTV and tablet – out onto the deck. Practical note here: iPads overheat when you are sitting in the sun and listening to a BARD book. Also, direct sunlight on what you are trying to see on the CCTV washes out the image. Don’t bother to try it. I ended up moving into the shade. Black with white lettering did work on the CCTV but I found it a bit odd. You might like it though. In that case, do try it!

Tomorrow I am getting up early to catch a ride to my third place of employment. Probably home late. Same setup the next day so I have to finalize my DBT lesson plan today.

My topic: the what and how skills of mindfulness. We will be going over this stuff for several weeks so I decided to go a bit more in-depth on ‘Teflon mind’.

Teflon has been around for so long I suspect you all know what it is. It is the nonstick stuff on pans. The stuff that created a market for plastic spatulas.

The idea of Teflon mind is to make your mind nonstick for all the negative nonsense you may encounter.

Ignoring the negative is hard. In fact, it is unnatural! It is through not ignoring the negative that we got to be so successful as a species. The protohuman who insulted you today may be the protohuman who hits you with a stone ax tomorrow! Our ancestors learned to look out for that sort of thing.

Being attentive to the negative now can be crucial but not always and not necessarily life or death. Someone from Papua, New Guinea, may say I wrote a really stupid page and he wants to smack me, but since I am very far away from Papua, I should not take it to heart.

But I often do. Many of us often do. We are upset and wounded and want to defend ourselves. We may even decide to launch our own offensive.  “Oh, yeah?  Well, my country is bigger than your country. So there!”  Not very helpful.

DBT suggests we be mindful of our feelings. It suggests we take a moment to pause (very important in DBT) and just observe what we are experiencing, both in the environment and in our minds. As we observe what is going on both outside and in our thoughts we allow there to be a disconnect between thoughts and automatic emotions and behaviors.

Grandma knew about this. She told you to count to 10 and take a deep breath before reacting.

Taking a moment to pause also gives you some understanding about the nature of intense emotion. Specifically, emotions are pretty much like waves. They come and they go. Intense emotion can be created and recreated making it look like it is sustainable, but it is not. Emotions wash over you and are gone. Why react to something you are no longer feeling?

The other thing about taking a moment to pause and not react? It shows you how strong you are! You can take it!

Facing up to something upsetting takes its power away. In psychology it is called extinction. What you are really doing is lessening the connection between neurons. The adage is “neurons that fire together wire together”. If you keep the second one from firing this time you reduce the chance it will fire the next time….leading to a Teflon mind.

So there it is.  Teflon mind. Moment to pause. two skills used together to reduce reactivity to some of the nonsense in the world.

Continue reading “Teflon Mind”

Murphy’s Law

I suspect Lin is going to scream at me about that last page. [Lin here: for the record, I don’t scream.] No, my friends, or for that matter, my enemies are not going to let me starve. No, they don’t really mind if I tap them for help once or twice a week. (Once again, thank God I know a lot of good people.) It is pretty much in my own head. Yes, I am preparing and trying to maintain some good independence. Yes, I am also catastrophizing.

I am what? Is that a word, even? It is in psychology. Catastrophizing is having irrational thoughts about things.

The thoughts say things are worse, much worse, than they actually are! They say situations are hopeless and we are doomed. Doomed, I say! Doomed!!!!

According to Psych Central there are two kinds of catastrophizing. One is in the present tense and one is in the future. In other words, my situation is horrible and it can only get worse. Uplifting, don’t ya think?

Now just because “I is a psychologist. I is” I am not immune to this nonsense. I just recognize it a little faster than most. Everyone is susceptible to catastrophizing. Hell, look at Murphy. He got famous with a law that is catastrophizing at its finest: “whatever can go wrong will.” There are also a couple of dozen corollaries to the law. Check out the Murphy’s Law website if you want to have fun with them.

People identify with the thought Murphy put forward. Catastrophizing is common practice.  However, the problem is that catastrophizing is not a positive thing. It is sort of the evil twin of cope ahead. Cope ahead helps us to imagine doing things right so that we can actually do them properly. Catastrophizing has us imagining things going wrong. Guess what happens when you practice things going wrong?  Yep. You got it.

Expecting and practicing a bad outcome generally leads to a bad outcome.

Getting rid of catastrophizing starts with our old friends awareness and acceptance.  Just being aware and recognizing what you are doing helps you change your thought patterns. Become aware of your thinking patterns. Are you using a lot of negative words in your thoughts? You know, words like awful, disaster, terrible, debacle, etc. Being aware will have you on the lookout for them when they crop up. Accepting you are using them opens the door to doing something to change your thoughts. Better to practice cope ahead and see yourself as successful. You can also refute your negative thoughts. “That’s not true! It is not true because…”

So, OK, I am not going to starve. I have access to a variety of food sources. People have been transporting me for weeks. Why would they suddenly stop? Everything may work itself out. Maybe Murphy was wrong.

Continue reading “Murphy’s Law”

Helping Myself

AMD is a long-term distress to be tolerated. I have been using my distress tolerance skills to get through day-to-day. The one I like and use a lot is activities. I like to keep busy.

However, since my husband is incapacitated, things have gotten harder. I might be a bit too busy. Just as an example, I have the added need to visit him in the hospital but I have lost a major source of transportation.

I have FINALLY been approved for the public transportation. They have a weird schedule, though. I could only go to the town where the hospital is early in the day and could only get a ride home before mid-afternoon.

After that my coach apparently turns into a pumpkin. Don’t any of the people riding this service have lives? Apparently not.

I have made reservations for rides to work Thursday and Friday. It is against my better judgment to start with something important like that. I have the terrible feeling I am going to be late even though my pick-up time is a full hour before my work day starts.

I have to take some of the burden off of my friends, though. They have been incredibly supportive during this crisis but these are extra trips are out of their way. I know it will become vexing. I love my people and I believe my people love me but I cannot just collapse and expect them to totally support me.

God helps those who help themselves, I have been told.

Yesterday my friend and her husband took me kayaking. Yes, an activity but also a ‘pushing away’ distraction. Once I was on that river I mentally put away everything that was happening on shore. It was a very nice hour.

My friend had volunteered to drop me off at yoga but I declined. I could have gotten a ride home from there but I decided not to go. The Beastie Baby had been spending too much time alone for one thing. I had to go home and ‘contribute’ to her. Taking care of others is a good distress tolerance skill.

I also had to take care of myself. I have been dropping weight on the ‘macular degeneration diet’, unable to get to my sources of Chinese take-out and ice cream. These past few weeks have been worse. I have not been getting much to eat that wasn’t ‘junk’.

So, ignoring that it was after 8 pm and the fact I really did not want to cook, I made myself a nutritious meal. Semi-proper eating, good food at a bad time. It is the one E in PLEASE.

After that it was a hot bath and off to bed. Soothing through touch and proper sleep. That is the S in PLEASE, of course.

Feel guilty about taking care of me? Nope. Yes, I could have worked the phones and begged people for rides to the hospital. It is walkable in about 90 minutes, I could have put on sturdy shoes and walked. The problem was, I was already stressed and tired.

The only way to contribute and support others is to support yourself first. A caregiver who collapses from self-neglect cannot support others. Last evening I just took for me.

written 8/17/2016

Continue reading “Helping Myself”

Dog and Pony Show

Hi. I got a call from my BVS case worker today. He wants to come out and bring his supervisor to meet me. Apparently it is annual review time and I am to be an example of his good work.

I don’t mind. I can put on a dog and pony show with the best of them. Also my case worker is a good guy and I have no reason not to cooperate. He has been infinitely helpful to me.

My question was “why me?”. The response was “you are using what you were given.” Well, yeah, isn’t that why I have it?

I know better, I really do, but I always think using what you are given is a no brainer. I think “doesn’t everyone do that?” Of course they don’t, silly girl.

Not using what you are given has been a problem for a long time. For those of you of the Christian persuasion, do you remember the three servants and the talents? It’s Matthew 25: 14 -30. The master was peeved at the servant who buried his coins and did not use them to good advantage.

Why would that happen? Looking online I discovered a list of a few reasons students don’t use assistive technology (in the article Resistance is Futile). I think these reasons might apply to some of us older folks as well.

Some of the reason may be poor training or a feeling you are somehow cheating. It may be using the technology seems like too much work or you had a bad experience and technology is really scary.

There is also the grief factor. Loss is tough and some people get willful. Somehow they believe if they give in and use technology and other assistive devices they have admitted defeat. Admitted they are handicapped.

Willfulness can be nasty business. It not only stops you in your tracks but it – admit it – makes you look pretty dumb.

There you are staring at something that will make your life ten times easier and you are refusing to use it! Really????? What is up with that?

Once again, accepting reality does not eliminate the pain but it does eliminate the suffering. I am still going blind. I am just going blind more comfortably and more productively than people who reject help.

My case worker asked me why I have embraced the technology. My answer: the alternative sucks more. (DBT alert. Comparison skill there.)

So there you are. I am to be the client he shows off because I use what I was given. I still think of that as a no brainer. How about you?

Continue reading “Dog and Pony Show”

Whirling Dervishes and Others

I was working on my next lesson. We have done the two, introductory lessons and we are getting ready for mindfulness, lesson one.

I throw a lot of extra ‘stuff’ into a lesson. I was looking at information related to the origins of mindfulness and mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation has a rich and ancient history rooted in the religions of the world. There are mindfulness mantras in many religions.

A mantra is a repetitive song. “Om Shanti Om” is the peace chant of Buddhism (but if you want something really wild, click here for the “Om Shanti O” song on YouTube. Holy Bollywood, Batman!). [Lin/Linda here: the video is indeed a Bollywood version. I recommend this version by Deva Premal. Best to listen to it with headphones, she has a very incredible lyrical voice.]

Gregorian chants can be seen as Christian mantras. Click here for one video. There are many others.

You use your voice and a repetitive song as the focus for your attention. Sound meditation as prayer.

For Whirling Dervishes, part of the Sufi tradition, the focus of attention is on the repetitive spinning….and on Allah. Movement meditation as prayer.

In short,  it dawned upon me mindfulness practice – including repetitive, rhythmic stimuli – and prayer seem pretty closely linked. Mindfulness can focus attention necessary for prayer, for example. Prayer can be used as a point to focus attention. Repetitive stimuli can calm lower brain centers  which in turn allows you to be more mindful and pray. Hmmmmm…how about that?

DBT lists prayer as a distress tolerance skill. It is a way to get through a crisis with as little suffering as possible.

Linehan lists three types of prayer. Linehan talks about “why me?” prayer. To me, this sort of prayer sounds pretty whiny. It sounds like plenty of suffering has been attached to the pain. Why? Because the person is fighting reality.

Remember: it is what it is. There really is nothing that can be done to change reality.

DBT suggests we don’t fight reality. The opposite of fighting reality is acceptance. In other words, thy will be done. I accept things are the way they are. Remember acceptance does not mean approval. It just means you are willing to accept and operate within the new rules of the game.

Psalm 40 verse 8 is about accepting and acting in accordance with the will of God for example. Psalm 37.23  is another example. There are probably dozens if not hundreds of other examples in the world’s religious tradition. These may help keep you from the suffering fighting reality brings.

Another thing about acceptance through prayer? If you are a person of faith, there may be a little internal voice that says to you “I’ve got this.”  When you are dealing with something above your capabilities, it is nice to feel you have some ‘expert’ help available.

Linehan also talks about the distress prayer. Her distress prayer is pretty much an extended version of my “Oh, s***! Help!” prayer, with the distress prayer asking for solutions over time.

My “help!!!” prayer is usually uttered in the face of imminent disaster!

I am not a religious scholar by any means but in my lexicon there are two more types of prayer. They are “Wow! Nice job!” and “Thanks”. In other words, they are praise and gratitude prayers.

Praise and gratitude prayers are positive things. They help us recognize we really are not bereft of all good things. In the cases of many of us reading this, AMD may have taken many things away but many wonderful things and many things we can be grateful for still remain. Sometimes we just need a reason to notice them.

List good things for a gratitude prayer.  Close to the idea of accumulating positives; yes? Yes!

So repetitive, rhythmic stimuli/ movement, mindfulness, acceptance,
praise, gratitude, accumulating positives… they all seem to come together in prayer. Cool.

Continue reading “Whirling Dervishes and Others”

How’s Your Balance?

DBT has a thing for balance. It is sort of in the name: dialectic. You remember. Dialectics are all about avoiding black and white thinking, finding balance, coming to a consensus.

Anyway, DBT is worried about balance in other ways. One of these ways is having enough to do. Or having too much to do. It is good to have the choice.

Everyone has different tolerance levels and different requirements. My tolerance for crazy is pretty high. In fact, I crave it. Pack my days and I am one happy camper. Someone else may need a lot more down time.

One of the things that terrified me about losing my sight was the potential of being ‘grounded’, my wings clipped. Not my style. Another person – maybe one of the caregivers out there, for example – might be finding himself overwhelmed with all of the demands being put on him. If it is too little or too much FOR YOU, it is not a good thing.

DBT interpersonal effectiveness has some skills to help both of these situations. Let’s take a quick look at increasing demands first.

DBT suggests that people who have too much time on their hands build structure and increase demands. On themselves, that is, not on others. We talked a little about the benefits of schedules and routines. Have things you ‘need’ to do throughout the day. Volunteer. Invent a project for yourself.

How many random acts of kindness can you do in one week, for example? Get committed! What you do is pretty much up to you.

What about those who have too many demands on themselves? DBT says ‘just say no’. Well, maybe not ‘just’; there is some art to it.

DBT suggests you weigh how much the factors involved are actually ‘worth’ to you. How important is it to do what you would have done instead of complying with the demand? To maintain the relationship? To maintain your self-respect?

It also suggests you consider how capable you are of fulfilling the request. Is it coming at a good time for you? Do you have a clear understanding of what you are being asked? Does the requester have authority over you? Does he have the moral right to ask this of you? Will you need something from him in the future? Will doing as requested get you any closer to your own goals?

There is actually a tally sheet that helps you rate each of these factors and come to a decision. Should I refuse? How adamantly? That chart can be helpful when you have time to sit down and weigh your options. Other times just a quick, mental review of the above points can be helpful. If nothing else, you are making a well-thought out decision and it is your choice.

There is a lot to be said for having a choice.

Continue reading “How’s Your Balance?”

Out of Milk and Eggs

Morning!  This may ramble a bit. Be prepared.

First thing: we had another car vs bicycle accident. The bicycle lost. In fact she lost big time. She was killed. Why mention it here? Well, probably because the driver was 85. I do not know but I would suspect vision was a factor.

Sour grapes? She was driving; I am not? Maybe a little but I have no intention of topping off an otherwise successful life by killing someone. I will take my situation over hers right now. Comparison skill. It is the second C in ACCEPTS.

I kept asking myself what would compel someone who probably should not do it to get the behind the wheel. I came up with a few answers. Doctor’s appointments for one.

Which brings me to my first tangent. About 12 weeks ago I gave my ophthalmologist my form for public transportation. Don’t think anything fancy here; OK? Short bus. ‘Flexible’ time schedule. Now to give the devil his due, dear ol’ doc took two weeks to send the form in. Just the same: 12 – 2 = 10; right? Where is my acceptance? Older people with health problems can have a lot of health appointments in ten weeks. Gotta get there somehow.

Convenience was an idea I came up with yesterday. My husband had to go into the hospital (thank you…long story, short page). He had insisted on dropping me at work on the way. That meant I was several miles away with work stuff, vision stuff and even yoga stuff stuffing my cart. I also had to stop at the pharmacy for medication.

OK. Here come the planning skills. I had a co-worker drop me off at the pharmacy. I got my meds, changed in their bathroom, did some shopping (more to carry, but I was there) and sat on the sidewalk listening to my BARD book for an hour.

Bless people. Even though it was probably somewhat startling to see a nearly 63-year-old woman in pink and black yoga tights sitting on the sidewalk next to a packed cart (remember this is small town Pennsylvania not Manhattan; we don’t have many street people), there was only one person who said anything and she wanted to help.

Help me find the nearest psychiatric ward? Maybe but she was concerned.

My yoga instructor arrived before the police or the men in the white coats and she took me to class with her. My brother-in-law picked my up after class and brought me home. Wow.

So what do people without supports and creative problem-solving skills do? I suspect they try to drive.

The last idea I came up with was basic necessities. I am running out of milk. I can walk three blocks to the convenience market for that. Not everyone has that option and, to quote my parents, on some things, the convenience market charges three prices!

I looked on line for local food delivery places. None of the groceries advertise that service. Maybe if I called and asked they would have it. Dunno.

The first one I found was Schwan’s. I know nothing about them except I see their trucks moving around the area. Their website looked like it is a lot of prepared, heat and eat stuff. They advertise a partnership with AARP and it seems you can get a discount if you are an AARPer. Might be worth checking out for some things. Let us know. [until 8/31/16: save 50% off your first purchase plus free delivery–click here.]

Then just on a whim, I went to – one guess – Amazon. I discovered Amazon sells groceries! It is not just the Japanese Oreo cookies and $132 seafood dinner for two although they are offered. They sell canned veggies and laundry detergent and hundreds of other things you would find in your basic grocery store.

If you add delivery costs, the fees might get a little salty, but that is often the price you have to pay for convenience – and safety and being able to sleep at night for whatever time you have left.

Milk, eggs? Not on Amazon.  They may be some things the neighbor picks up for you. Also, I know the local agency for the blind takes people for groceries once a month. Better to have milk for half the month than not at all, I guess.

Feels better knowing I will have a way to eat if I can’t drive. How about you?

Continue reading “Out of Milk and Eggs”

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